High Anxiety Outtakes and Extras
by EdwardsBloodType
Summary: Stuff that didn't make it into the story. Rated M just in case, cause I know there's bound to be some NC-17 stuff in here eventually.
1. Chapter 1 The Game

_**This is an outtake from Edward's pov. It is basically what he was thinking when Bella was recalling her time on the field in Ohio. I am completely clueless when it comes to sports (If I am forced to watch I focus on the player's cute little butts) so I could never in a million years write this, and it was only with her assurance that she had my back, that I agreed to write a story featuring detailed baseball scenes. Suzy, my beloved friend, and my fantastic, yet very critical beta, has the passion and technical understanding and love of baseball that I could never have. Thank you for this.** _

_**As written by SuzyQ402:**_

_To Stephanie, the chocolate to my graham crackers, the muscle to my tired bones, my partner in crime. I love you BB. _

_To all the Moms who have busted their asses so their boys can play this silly game known as baseball. Little did I know what I was signing up for. Private baseball lessons ...$400.00 carbon fiber flex bats and 8 years of craziness. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Nothing is better than seeing your son hold the sign that reads Ohio District 9 champions. I love you, Mikey. You make me so proud. No matter how old you get, in my eyes, you will always be the little boy on the mush ball field. _

* * *

_**He is Just a Little Boy**_

By Chaplain Bob Fox

**He stands at the plate with his**

**heart pounding fast.**

**The bases are loaded,**

**the die has been cast.**

**Mom and Dad cannot help him, he**

**stands all alone.**

**A hit at this moment would send**

**the team home.**

**The ball meets the plate,**

**he swings and he misses.**

**There's a groan from the crowd,**

**with some boos and some hisses.**

**A thoughtless voice cries, "Strike out**

**the bum."**

**Tears fill his eyes, the game's no**

**longer fun.**

**So open your heart and**

**give him a break.**

**For it's moments like this,**

**a man you can make.**

**Please keep this in mind, when you hear**

**someone forget.**

**He is just a little boy, and not a man yet.**

~Edward~

I remember the first time I laid hands on a ball and bat. It was my birthday and I was 3. It was a T-ball set from Little Tikes. The bat I swear, was about 9 inches around and I spent the rest of the summer chasing after my brothers with it. I soon learned that a hit to the balls elicited grins and giggles from Emmett and drops to the knees from Jasper. The next summer they taught me how to use the bat to kill lightening bugs with. Older brothers are wonderful. At least I was working on my swing.

That Christmas I got a real bat and ball. I remember thinking to myself, "What the heck am I going to do with this in the middle of winter in Chicago?" Even as a child I thought too much. It wasn't much longer after that that all the other gifts had been pushed aside to make way for my black Louisville Slugger and whiffle balls. It was so cool. Shiny black lacquer with gold lettering. My name was even painted on the side - Eddie Mason. Em had his Superman stuff…Jasper had his toy soldiers. I had my bat. I never left the house with out it. My very own American Express black card. Little did I know then how much it was truly worth.

That spring Mom and Dad registered all 3 of us for baseball. Jazz and I were in mush ball and Em, because he was a year older, was in Bambino. It was awesome. All the players met one day in the city gym where the coaches assessed our ability so that all the teams were even when it came to talent.

A draft. I was 5 years old and in my first draft.

That evening the call came that changed my life. The coaches decided with Mom and Dad's approval, that Jazz could handle the older league due to his level of talent. He was taller than most of the boys or age and even some of the girls. He wasn't too coordinated but the coaches assured them it would come.

Then there was me. I was little. A foot or more shorter than both Em and Jazz. They both had about 20 lbs on me. But the one thing I have learned by being the little brother was to defend myself. I could hold my own with the big boys. I was Scrappy Doo to their Scooby Doos. Where they went I went, so I moved up too. That way we were all on the same team. The coaches assured Mom and Dad that I would be okay because Em and Jazz were there to watch out for me. Yeah right.

Have you ever seen older brothers look out for their pest of a younger one? As soon as practice started I fell into the cracks. I was the odd man out. I became for lack of a better description the team mascot. Little Eddie Mason…only there because his big brothers were.

The first practice was a day I'll never forget. I was scared shitless. I was 5 to all the other boys 7's. I was small and scrawny and shy. Thank God I wasn't alone. Em of course, took over as comic relief. We were given our jerseys with big numbers on the back and hats to match. Red and Grey. Our shirts had the big Superman "S" on the front for Stephens Plumbing. Considering his fondness of Superman, Em took this as a sign. Man he was ready. He was going to own this team. And own he did. He even came up with the phrase, "Stephen's Plumbing- We Flush the competition." I made sure that I hade my Jr. Doctor medical bag with me. Just in case. It never hurts to be prepared.

God, I was a loser.

Em even then was a mountain of a child. Stocky and strong… commanding. He was awarded team captain and the starting catchers position. I pity the kid who tried to cross home plate with Em planted there. And Jazz well, the coaches were right. He finally did get his legs and his mind to work together and when that happened he was fast as hell. He was the perfect shortstop. And there he was placed, between 2nd and third bases. He guarded his area like a hungry junk yard dog. Nothing got past him. NOTHING!

Now, what do you do with the scrawny baby of the team? Well, they tried outfield. I lost my train of thought as soon as I was put out there. I would watch the planes go over head, play with the clover at my feet, watch the cars in the parking lot. They told me, multiple times, "Eddie! Pay Attention! Eddie! Coming your way! Eddie watch..."

And then, at that instant, I knew why I needed to pay closer attention. The bee on the ground was much more interesting than practice, so of course, I saw nothing until I looked up and felt the ball smack me. Hard! Oh man! What a mess. Blood everywhere. Hence the little bump that now decorates my nose. My constant reminder to pay attention.

It wasn't long after that the coaches decided I needed something to hold my attention. They didn't want another bloody faced child on their hands. It seems to upset the parents. So I traveled my way around the infield.

First base...too short. Second base...couldn't jump high enough. Third base…well that didn't work either. Too close to the concession stand. I would pay more attention to them instead of practice until someone rounded the base to go home.

My coaches frustration grew by the week. I could see it in their eyes until finally they decided the best place for me was on the bench. It was safe there. Bubble gum and sun flower seeds became my bench mates. Jr. Doctor Mason was on call.

One day at practice my coach asked me to throw him a ball that had rolled past me and into the dugout. I picked it up and before I realized it the ball was whizzing towards his head. The ball made that familiar "Whack" noise into his glove. He tossed it back. "Do that again, Eddie." So I picked it up and again whizzing it towards him, the glove made the same noise as it before. "Whack"

And the rest is history. I was immediately moved to the pitchers mound. "Just play catch with your brother, Eddie. You can do that...right?" And that I did, played catch with Em. Just like at home. Over and over. Again and Again. Morning, noon and night. I threw the ball to anyone who would catch it. Em, Jazz, Dad…mom even tried to help until she removed her hand from her glove, shook it and immediately yelled at me for throwing it too hard.

I practiced against the garage door and the side of our house. I bounced a tennis ball off my bedroom wall while laying in bed. Smack! Bounce! Smack! Bounce! Smack! Bounce. My poor Mom, she was going crazy. "Please Eddie I'm begging you! STOP!! Just for a little. I can't hear myself think". That night it was decided that an indoor pitchers net was to be installed in our basement.

I practiced until my shoulder ached. My elbow hurt. I was becoming obsessed. It was all I talked about all I dreamed about. I was a pitcher. My coaches told my parents, "Some kids want it and some kids are taught it. Eddie, well… he was born with it."

The tri-ad was alive and kicking. The Cullen Brothers. The coaches loved us other teams feared us. Even though I wasn't legally a "Cullen" and my shirt read Mason people called us that. It was okay by me. In my heart I was a Cullen and I loved the idea of having Jazz and Em as my brothers.

Six seasons flew past with me as the teams closing pitcher and Em as catcher. Just me and Em. The Dynamic Duo. The Starsky to my Hutch.

Batters hated us. We had out own signals, our own language. A tip of the Em's face guard for a fast ball...scratch of his knee for a slider...adjusted his jock strap for a curve ball. I would nod my head for a different pitch or tip my hat if I liked the call.

And we were off. Strike ONEEEEEEEEE the ump would yell. Another throw. Strike TWOOOOOOOO. Nod of the head...Strike THREEEEEEE. And so it went. I had found my place. I was still scrawny but I was tall. Taller than Jazz now. I wouldn't get scared anymore. I would love it when opposing coaches demanded to see my birth certificate to insure I was legal to play, that I wasn't some ringer put in place by a devious coaching staff. If a batter was lucky enough to get a hit off me I knew for sure that Jazz had my back. Like I said, nothing got past him.

And so we played. For six years we played on the same team. That final year, I think Jazz and I were eleven and Em had just turned thirteen. The junior high school football coaches started to court Em. He had always wanted to play but was too big for community football. With promises of cheerleaders and leather sleeved Letterman's jackets he was sold, and like a charmed snake following St. Patrick out of Ireland, off to football he went.

Next came the lacrosse and track team coaches for Jazz. Promises of state championships and college scholarships were dangled in front of him. Soon he was gone too.

No one came for me, but didn't bother me at all. I was moved up to Pony league. The high school baseball coaches made it known that they had their sights on me. It was like a coaches pissing contest. Who could piss on Eddie Masen first. Other coaches knew better than to try to lure me away. I had been marked already. My loyalties lied on the mound. No one would take it from me, because it was in my blood, marked on my soul. No one could take it from me…not ever…

Little did I know.


	2. Chapter 2 Ice Cream & Animals

_Carlile's POV of the night of the dance by SuzyQ402_

**Well, I'm back again. SuzyQ402 AKA Queen Corn Hole. Sick of me yet?? Just a little something from the DILF…and we all know who that is, don't we? Thanks again to Steph...the conductor of this little ride. You make every second standing in line worth it! Lurve you hard, BB! ****(yeah we make fun of everyone that walks past...sorry)**

**This is dedicated to all the ice cream lovers out there. What's your favorite flavor? Me, well I prefer Chocolate Pecan or Pistachio. Come visit with us on the thread. You know how to get there....yadda yadda yadda dot Twilighted/ High Anxiety/ dot yadda yadda yadda…**

**High Anxiety Outtake**

**Chapter 10~ Ice Cream & Animals**

**18 luscious flavors, scrumptious flavors-  
chocolate, lime and cherry,  
coffee, pumpkin, fudge-banana,  
caramel cream, and boysenberry,  
rocky road and toasted almond,  
butterscotch, vanilla dip,  
butter-brickle, apple ripple,  
coconut and mocha chip,  
brandy peach and lemon custard,  
each scoop lovely, smooth, and round,  
tallest ice cream cone in town,  
lying there (sniff) on the ground.**

**18 Flavors by Shel Silverstein (Dr. Seuss)**

**~ Carlisle ~**

Three ice cream covered faces stared back at me.

One dimpled, one tow head, and one thinker. All so different, yet all so the same. The ice cream truck had come down our street blaring that ridiculous tune and like the Pied Piper, the kids came out of nowhere to follow it. Such a simple summer symbol.

Esme always made sure she had some cash hidden outside on the front porch for such occasions. After our boys had picked their ice cream delights Esme promptly ushered them to the picnic table in our back yard. She was a smart woman, my Me-Me. For some reason, unknown to parents, ice cream truck ice cream always melted at a rate much higher than normal. I think the guy had a contract with stain remover and carpet cleaning companies.

We had a ritual in the Cullen house. Ice cream. Picture. Hose. It never faltered and it never failed. They were smiling and happy and sticky. And all parents know that smiling, happy, sticky boys are the best…and magnificently quiet for about five glorious minutes.

So now here we are eight years later and same still goes. Smiling happy boys still are the best.

_But let us leave out the sticky part._

Even the thought of_ that _is too much for a cool dad like myself. I used to think I was cool. I don't really know at what point my coolness rate had dropped but I'm pretty sure this afternoon didn't help my ranking…at all.

The Homecoming dance. Who would have thought that such a simple question would have started an all out insult slinging, secret coded, hormone fueled emotional free-for-all? Talk about being in the dark. Esme seemed to know exactly what was going on. Who knew? The discussion on the ride home was...interesting...to say the least.

Wow, so Em likes Rose , and Rose likes Em, but he waited too long to ask her, so she accepted an invite from someone else on the team.

Rose . Now that girl is a firecracker. She knows the fine art of womanly wiles. She can handle Em and maybe dish back to him some of the shit he hands out on a daily basis. They are perfect for each other. I had to chuckle to myself because she is the female version of my son right down to the dimples. She sauntered right over and kissed me.

_She kissed me._

I know it was only on my cheek but she knows how to push his buttons. There's a plan working there and I could almost see the wheels turning in her head. I love a smart woman…God Bless her. If and when this relationship works out it's going to be full of fire and passion. We all best get out of the way.

Then there was Alice . She was the first person to ring my doorbell when we moved in; the neighborhood's very own Welcome Wagon. She's sweet and kind and has a heart a mile wide. She's the kind of girl you want your son to bring home. She's pretty in an All-American girl kind of way…reminds me of convertibles and swimming holes and picnics. She's simple and uncomplicated and she has a way about her that makes me smile on the inside.

Little Alice has it bad for my middle boy. He is completely clueless obviously, because he asked Makenna to the dance.

Speaking of clueless.

That girl, well, she is definitely not working on all eight cylinders. I hope for his sake she's at least good in bed.

Alice is a much better match for him. I almost choked when he called her Xanax. That shit doesn't fly in my book, we have taught him better. But when she cut him off at the knees I couldn't help but feel victorious for her. He needs to be put in his place once in a while. He's cocky and arrogant, and very selfish, especially since we left Chicago.

My mother often says Jasper reminds her of me in my younger years. I don't quite see it, but admittedly, I was an ass until I met my first wife, Elizabeth. Elizabeth changed me, made me grow up, made me compassionate, selfless…she made me a man and husband and a father to my two boys before I was ready to be any of those.

And after she was gone, Esme… well, my sweet Me-Me picked me up, put me back together again and made me whole…and she gave me another son. I am twice the man with Esme that I was with Lizzie, and God rest her soul, I believe she sent me Esme from Heaven to be the mother she no longer could be.

Esme was my internal smile like Alice will be for Jasper. He's just too stupid to see it yet. I hope he realizes it soon before its too late.

Upstairs, I could hear those two yahoos getting ready, screaming at each other across the hall.

_We are raising animals._

How hard is it to walk down the hall to ask for shaving cream then hand it to someone. Not my boys. They scream then throw. Em thinks everything he touches is a goddamn football. I have to remember never to ask him for the crystal vase.

Esme had purchased and ironed his shirt for him yesterday and of course Jazz would never let him forget that he got himself ready until he realized that he had no pants. Now Edward was being pulled into the mix. Em asked Jazz if he was sure about asking Edward to borrow his pants. Always the mediator, my oldest. At least he was sensitive to Edwards's situation. Jazz agreed to get Edwards pants dry cleaned after using them then told him, in a way only a brother could, "Hey, lighten up man… at least your pants are going. Maybe they will get lucky and end up balled up on the floor somewhere." I don't think Edward appreciated it as much as Jasper thought he would.

_Jesus, I am raising animals. _

I could see Edward sitting at the top of the steps, leaning against the banister, listening to his brothers throw insults back and forth. He would chuckle softy to himself sometimes. My youngest...Edward.

Even though there's only a few months between him and Jazz he's always been classified as the baby. This boy, well he's no baby. He's been through more in his young life than most have to endure their entire lifetime. He's a survivor. He'll make it through this and hopefully come out stronger on the other end. He could have gone tonight. He could have asked a young lady to accompany him. There are no laws against that. But, I know my son… Edward is not a watcher. He's a doer and a thinker and the thinker in him would beat the shit out of the doer and the entire evening would have been a failure.

I know exactly who he would have asked too, Miss Bella Swan. I have never seen him so completely taken by a girl. I can understand why though, she's a beauty. Long dark hair…big brown eyes. Built like a…well, I can only imagine what she's going to look like when she grows into the woman she will become. She reminds me a lot of Esme. Smart. Warm and loving, caring and comfortable, fiercely loyal. No wonder he gravitates towards her. She's just like his mother. And gravitate he does. She has a pull on him like I've never seen, and I don't think either of them are aware of it.

_These two...well... if things were different. _

They complement each other. I can't believe I've never noticed before. I know how handsome Edward is. It's impossibly hard to ignore. But she softens his angular jaw and strong features. His eyes are kinder when he looks at her. His lips aren't so hard set into a scowl all the time.

He smiled.

A genuine, heartfelt smile. Not the half smirk we usually get. Bella gets a toothy grin. Shit, it reminds me of the Cheshire cat. So big it's like his cheeks are going to explode. It's a wonderful thing to see him like this. If this is what Bella does to him, then, hell, I'd move her into the guest room immediately. Edward deserves to smile. He's had so much taken from him it's about time he was able to get a little in return.

I think Jasper just asked Em for a condom. Jesus H. Christ. "Awfully sure of yourself there, Stud," Edward says to Jazz.

"Hey, I didn't ask her to go the dance for her stimulating conversation."

"Yeah, today at the restaurant proved that."

_Animals. I'm raising safe-sex animals._

Edward comes down the stairs with his guitar case in hand. Wonder where he's going? I haven't seen that instrument come out of the closet in years.

Shortly after, Dimples, and Tow Head proceed down the steps. Em and Jazz are really handsome in their dress clothes. Well, anything would be an improvement over what they usually have on. I can't believe I actually paid two hundred dollars for jeans with holes in them and faded tee shirts that cost more than my electric bill.

In my day...I shake my head to stop the thought. Good Lord, I'm thirty seven years old and I'm starting to sound just like my father.

Yeah, I guess I walked up hill both ways to school too.

Edward looks forlorn, and slips out the kitchen door whispering words to his mother as she kisses him on the cheek. Esme is taking pictures of Dimples and Toe Head. I wish Edward would have stayed but I understand why he's unable to. I would have liked to have a picture of all three of my boys. I'm so proud of the men they are becoming. Strong willed and smart.

Smiling and happy. Ice Cream and pictures. Not much has changed in all these years.

Please God, if they do get sticky…let them be responsible and hose themselves off before they come home.

_Animals._

_Just call me Farmer Cullen ... _

_**~%~**_


	3. Chapter 3 My Brother's Burden

**This is Jasper's POV of the night that he kissed Bella. Maybe this will shed some light on his real persona...he's not SUCH a douche, and he really does like Alice.**

**This was a bitch to get out because Jasper wasn't talking to me. Thanks to Steph for being so wonderful as always.**

**~SuzyQ402~**

**High Anxiety**

**Outtake~ ****My Brother's Burden**

The road is long  
With many a winding turn  
That leads us to who knows where  
Who knows when  
But I'm strong  
Strong enough to carry him  
He ain't heavy, he's my brother  
So on we go  
His welfare is of my concern  
No burden is he to bear  
The Hollies~ He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother

**~Jasper~**

I shoved the clutch in and jammed the gearshift into third. I really shouldn't have been going this fast through my neighborhood but right then I really didn't give a fuck. I shook my head trying to remember what the hell had just happened?

_Let's rewind…exactly where did my day start to go to shit?_

School was good. I aced my bitch of a chemistry test, thanks to the nerdy chick next to me who, without her knowledge or consent, shared her answers openly. The rest of the morning was slow as fuck and laid back. It seemed even the teachers were looking forward to having a few days off.

_Remind me to thank my friends of the Jewish faith. I'm not sure I even know anyone who's Jewish. Are there even any Jewish people in Forks? Or a Synagogue for that matter? I'll have to look into that later._

Lunch was uneventful….pizza day. The afternoon went off without a hitch. Spanish, Algebra, American History and gym. Gym...Bella and Edward. Apparently, he had asked her to go to Port Angeles with him on some sort of date and she agreed. He looked like the mother fucking cat that ate the proverbial canary.

_Jesus Christ. If I didn't know better I would have said he was pussy whipped. I don't know what to call him…maybe lack-of-pussy whipped. _

I was excited for the day to be over, and a little anxious to get to the tree house to light up. I needed it. It had been a few days since our schedules had allowed all three of us to be together, and truthfully, I looked forward to our little impromptu get-to-gethers. Actually, I could do without Edward being there today because I needed time with Bella alone. I wanted to be sure that the feelings I got in the pit of my stomach when I was around her were legitimate. There was something about this girl that was familiar. I just couldn't place my finger on it. I racked my brain to try to figure it out but came up blank.

_Imagine that...yeah maybe I wasn't the Einstein of the bunch but I could hold my own. I may not be the smartest but I was definitely the best looking, even if I do say so myself. Girls dig Love-Master Jazz. Maybe I should become a rapper...or a pimp...or better yet I'll take over Hugh Heffner's place. The dude's old... he's got to be ready to kick the bucket._

I continued my travels through the mighty metropolis of Forks, thinking I had better slow my ass down. I cruised past the bait and tackle shop and the one and only bank, past the grocery store and the pharmacy...a couple neighborhood bars and the post office. Jesus… The post office. I almost shit a brick when Miss Mary Alice Brandon announced to the table she had to go to the post office to pick up lingerie. Victoria fucking Secret no less. Fuck. She was making me crazy. It made the hair on my arms stand up just thinking about her…gave me the damn willies.

I flew past the high school and the parking lot. My mind wandered to this afternoon.

I could see her walking out of the side door not far behind Bella. Their hair was blowing wild around their faces with the huge gust of wind. If I had to admit it I would say that both of them were quite the lookers. Bella had this big-city aura surrounding her, sexy and sleek. Alice, well she was pure small town Saturday night…all bonfires on the beach and football games. The night I woke up with my head in her lap, well, I do remember her tiny fingers in my hair. The feeling of her nails scraping over my scalp. It was relaxing and erotic at the same time.

_Fuck...there goes the hair on my arms again. _

What happened after they walked out that side door was beyond me. Edward and I were standing waiting and bullshitting with a couple of guys. Then, all of a sudden, as if someone flipped a switch, my baby brother went bat-shit crazy...glaring at Mike Newton like he was fucking possessed. He was a man on a mission as he stalked towards Bella; angry, crazed, vicious.

She didn't know what hit her. She stopped dead in her tracks, her smile soon lost on Edward's rigid form approaching. He was so mad he was shaking. I could see his fists open and close in a repeated fashion as he tried to control himself. I had only seen him like this once before and it wasn't pretty. He beat the living shit out of a guy named Peter back in Chicago after…well, after he and his twatwaffle girlfriend fucking ruined Edward's life. I knew Edward had a volatile temper and worked hard to control it, but man, I never thought I would see it come out towards a girl. Especially Bella.

_Everyone saw the way they looked at each other. The way he looked at her. That included me. I know what's going on, I'm not blind. Just a dick. _

By the time he ordered me in to the car I thought he was going to kill someone. We peeled out of the parking lot, tires screaming. He was like Tony fucking Stewart racing towards the checker at Daytona. He had been running away from his demons for so long but for some reason I felt like one of the real dark ones had just caught up with him. Racing like a crazy motherfucker through Forks only to have the pathetic excuse for 5-0 pull him over wouldn't help his resolve at this matter.

"Yo, Edward, dude…I realize you are pissed, but you might want to obey traffic laws at some point, okay? Just saying…you don't need Forks finest crawling up your ass too."

He explained to me the entire situation about Bella running her pie hole. Shit. Shit. SHIT!! This was just not going to screw him but the entire family. Fuck! Hadn't I been through enough shit already? I was putting my foot down this time. I WAS NOT moving again. I had finally gotten my life back to some kind of normalcy and sure as shit he was not going to fuck this up for me again.

_He can go the fuck away. Send his sorry fucked up ass to that boy's school again. I have already lost Emily I wasn't going to lose again. Anything. Any ONE… I'm done._

Edward was swerving all over the fucking road, running stop signs and red lights. "Jesus fucking Christ…Edward, pull the fuck over!" I was hanging onto the godamn Jesus strap so tight my hand was beginning to ache. He finally pulled over and got out into oncoming traffic. I knew my nerves couldn't take too much more of the drama that was Edwards's mess of a life.

_Jesus. Get the fuck over it. Couldn't he see what this was doing to me too? _

True, I hated to see him like this, but it was getting old. What if someone drove by while he was having his little meltdown outside the car? What would they think of us then? Some people think he was a freak now. I surely didn't want to be one by association. I tried to calm him the best I could but I wasn't a fucking doctor or a therapist. I remembered Mom always putting her hand on his back to sooth him. Fucking great.

_Now people are really going to think he's a homo...along with me. Wonderful. Fucking wonderful. _

My annoying fucker of a conscience started talking to me at that point and I think he may have gagged the devil into submission on my other shoulder. I couldn't just stand there, he was my brother. I could be a dick, yeah, I knew that...but NOT that big of one to watch my baby bro disintegrate before my eyes. I finally asked him what I could do to help, and I meant it. I needed him to get better, cause this Edward, this shaking, scared, fucked up Edward, was not my brother. My brother was in control, calm and organized, quick witted and just fucking…normal.

He motioned that he would be okay in a few so I just waited and waited and waited ...my hand on his back between his shoulder blades. It felt like an eternity when in fact it was only about 10 minutes. He finally got himself together enough for me to drive us home. As soon as I pulled into the drive I jumped out of the car to get mom. She was much better at this than me, more understanding, more compassionate, more fucking... tolerant.

_I couldn't find it in me to really give a fuck anymore_.

I raced up the front stoop and practically dove through the front door. "MOM! Edward is having a fucking meltdown again! MOM!" Where the hell was she? Usually she was so far up one of our asses we couldn't sit down.

_Now when I REALLY fucking needed her she was MIA. _

"MOM!!!" I screamed again. I heard the toilet flush upstairs and she came bounding down the steps, pulling up and adjusting her jeans.

"Jazz? What's going on? What's wrong? Where is he?" I motioned to the front door as she peeked through the side glass. In full Mom mode she ran for the kitchen, grabbed a glass of water then went straight for her purse. She snatched a small gold pill holder out and opened it.

_Leave it to my Mom to have a designer pill box to dispense narcotics to minors. _

We sat outside with him for a while until finally I went inside thinking maybe he would want some one-on-one with mom. She continued the circuit of her hand round his shoulders down his back and back up again. I noticed Alice had driven Bella's car home and I wondered what their conversation was like. Bella looked just as bad as Edward, all disheveled and fucked up. I saw her face when we pulled out of the lot at school- she was fucking pale as a ghost and I am pretty sure she was crying.

When he finally started to actually breathe again and managed to stop shaking, I heard him walking upstairs. His classical music came on and his door closed. I wouldn't be surprised if we didn't see him till we had to be back in school on Thursday. He looked like a fucking zombie.

I_ had to get out of this house for a little. It was like a fucking three ring circus complete with side show freaks and bad food._

With the joint in my pocket acting as a compass I found myself walking towards the tree house. The weather was starting to change and it was beginning to get dark earlier. I could barely make out Bella sitting on the swing looking like a lost puppy. All it took from me was a, "Hey. Are you ok?" and the waterworks started. She buried her cheek on my chest and began to sob. I mean, really fucking sob. This girl was definitely in a bad place.

Oh, and of course she asked about Edward. She was concerned for his feelings over her own, even after he fucking yelled at her. I just simply held her and let her cry, not knowing what the fuck else to do. I placed my hand along the back of her head. Her hair was incredibly soft as I ran my hands over and over it trying my best to sooth her. Then it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. The feeling that overcame me everytime I was around Bella. Flashes of Emily passed through my mind like some kind of fucking power point presentation.

_Me and Emi watching a movie and cuddling under a blanket...her head on my lap as I ran my fingers through her hair. Me and Emi walking back to her house after school. Me and Emi lying on her bed trying to do homework when we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Her hands. Her hair. Her eyes. Her kisses. Her laugh. Her smell. Her skin. Snowball fights. Valentine's. Fireworks. Our first time. Our last time. Her whispers of apology and love. The look in her eyes when I was forced to walk away from her. How I had to turn back one last time to kiss her as she fucking sobbed into my arms that last day. My thoughts were consumed with love for my Emi. It was the first time, in a long time, that I actually had let myself think of her. To really remember._

I looked into Bella's eyes. They were no longer the deep brown Edward has spoken off so many times. They were blue…crystal blue. She morphed into Emi so quickly that my lips went towards her...a natural reflex. I had to kiss her. Take all the hurt away, comfort her, protect her. The recognizable sound coming from her cries was the same that came from Emi when her father told her she was no longer allowed to be with me. I was familiar with that gut wrenching sound. It was the sound of a breaking heart.

_So I kissed her...fucking kissed her._

I touched my fingers to her face. Up her cheekbones to the back of her neck. Before I realized it my lips were brushing hers. She pulled away immediately.

"_I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, Bella. You just…you reminded me so much of Emily. It's because you like him, don't you? You really fucking like him? Bella, Edward can't be your boyfriend. He's …too fucked up to be what you want him to be. He's just going to hurt you with the truth of his past and… I'm sorry. He's my brother and I love him, but that's the reality."_

But this was Bella, not Emi. This kiss was…like kissing my fucking sister, not my girl. The feeling dissipated into nothing but emptiness in the pit of my stomach. She turned to look at me and her eyes were back to brown, a brown as rich as chocolate kisses. The lost far away gaze in her eyes said it all. She quietly turned and made her way towards her house mumbling something to herself.

_Lost._

_Broken._

I continued to drive down the main street in Forks, past the building that the fire and police departments shared, the card store and a florist, the daycare center and a barber shop. My mind was on auto pilot as I continued to recall the rest of that fucked-up day.

I had returned home from the tree house with the same un-smoked joint in my front pocket. I immediately ran to my room starting up my lap top and going straight to her familiar FaceBook page. I hadn't been on it in a while. When we first moved here her page was practically burned into my screen. I would sit and stare...for hours...looking at pictures of us. Slowly, day by day, they started to be replaced by more pictures of her friends, but _she_ was still there. I was afraid to add anything to her comment wall for fear of the repercussions it may cause her so I settled for lurking.

As I pulled up my "my friends" page I clicked my mouse over her picture. I was immediately notified that she had set her page to private. _Fucking private_? Panic was setting in. I tried her My Space page only to be met with the same fate. Email address returned. Home phone number changed and unlisted. Cell phone disconnected. She had moved on. Forced to leave me with nothing but fading memories.

_I fucking hated him. HATED him for what he had done to me. To Emily. To US. I just once wanted him to feel the loss I had. To understand what it meant to have to walk away from the person that meant the world to me. I wanted his heart to break like mine. _

I walked down the hall towards the stairs. I noted his door was still closed, classical music still playing in the background.

_Note to self…buy him a gift card to a fucking music store that didn't sell that artsy-fartsy classical crap. _

I made my way to the family room lost in my thoughts. It was private in there. Emily's life was now set to private. I was no longer allowed access to the one thing that was truly mine. The one thing I didn't have to share with my brothers. Emily had put up an electronic "keep out" sign…complete with an invisible fence.

_My shock collar was set to "Stun."_

As I made the turn onto the side street I was looking for, I found a place to park away from the other cars and the large windows. People made their way in and out. Couples holding hands and parents helping their kids buckle up. My thoughts returned to this afternoon.

I sat alone in the den twirling the TV remote. I had let Mom know earlier that if Edward got up to have him come find me. It didn't take long for him to show his face. I couldn't even find it in myself to make eye contact with him. Mom, earlier in the week, had made sure to corner me with her thoughts on the way I was treating people courtesy of a conversation she had with Eddie-boy here.

_I'll have to thank him for that. A pat on the back... maybe. A fist to the nose...more appropriately._

Things turned to shit pretty fast. Edward was a tightly wound motherfucker tonight. I could see him teetering on the edge...itching for a throw down. This had been a long time in the making. Middle brother versus baby brother. Would he have the balls to throw the first punch or were we going to continue living like this? Dancing around our hurt... avoiding our truths. I set everything in motion with one sentence...

_"Oh, and just so know…I kissed her, because… you …fucking…can't."_

And there it was...I said it. It was out in the open. The look in his eyes was hauntingly familiar. The look of a broken heart. Finally, I had succeeded.

_Open wound, boys._

_Pass the motherfucking salt._

Fists were flying and we toppled over the couch and landed on Mom's coffee table, shit landing all over the floor. We threw words as fast as fists, both equally painful. Blood had been shed between brothers. My lip and jaw hurt like a son-of-a -bitch. I thought my tooth might be loose. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK!!

I was on the ground with Edward hovering over me. Seems baby brother brought his game tonight. I was just about to lunge towards him as Em's hands wrapped around my waist and hoisted me off the ground. Mom was standing between us with her arms outstretched like some petite version of a MLB umpire. I really couldn't hear anything she was saying. All I could focus on was the sound of my beating heart and the rushing noise in my ears.

When I thought I was the only one armed with a figurative salt shaker, Edward turned. His words hit me harder than any fist could.

_"Emily was too good for you and so is Alice, you dickhead. She deserves much better. In fact I would rather see her alone than with you. I wonder what she's going to think knowing that you assaulted her best friend. I may have to have a little conversation with Miss Brandon." _And with that he left the room. Fucker.

And that, basically is what brought me here, sitting idly outside the diner Alice worked at…watching her as she took orders and refilled coffee. I hated that she worked there in that dump making nothing but crappy tips for being on her feet all day and forcing fake smiles to assholes.

I sat and thought. Was it time I gave up Emily's ghost? It was pretty fucking obvious she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. Holding on to her had done nothing for me but turn me into a shell of the guy I used to be.

_Who the fuck was I now?  
_

I was a good guy deep down and I really, really wanted to be like that again. I was tired of being...tired. Tired of hiding behind some tough guy persona when in fact it was so far from the truth that some days I couldn't even recognize myself.

I had hurt everyone that meant something to me. Jesus, I just punched my brother- the only guy besides Emmett I knew I could count on through thick and thin. I loved Edward with everything I had. I only hoped and prayed that he could find forgiveness for what I had done to him. Not just tonight but for my actions towards him over the last year, and the comments and snide remarks.

_I am a douche._

Instead of feeling sorry for Edward I only felt sorry for myself. I knew he wasn't to blame. I knew he would have done the same for me if the tables had been turned. I only hoped that bitch back in Chicago got hers someday for what she did to him. He didn't deserve any of this. Karma is a nasty bitch.

I sat and watched Alice talk to a little girl and show her how to open the bag of crayons they passed out. My God, she took my breath away. Truth was, I was attracted to Alice the moment I laid eyes on her. She had this internal light that called to me, but I was afraid to feel that for anyone but Emily. Afraid to betray Emi, and tarnish what we had. My only defense against Alice was pure meanness. I had hurt her too many times to remember. It seemed Edward was not the only one I owed an apology to.

_Oh, Alice. I'm so sorry._

I didn't know how long I sat there just watching. The diner light eventually went dark and it pulled me out of my daydreams. They were closing and there were a few cars left in the lot. I noticed the car that Alice shared with her mom was not there and I wondered if maybe I could give her a ride home. How would I explain that though?

_Oh, I was just passing by...on a dead end side street...on a Monday night...with a black eye and a cut lip...need a ride?? Shit, I wonder what Edward would think of me now if he only knew I had spent the last 2 hours staring at a beautiful girl through a window. Peeping Tom, much? _

Just as I was getting up the nerve to go talk to her, Alice walked from the door with another waitress. Earlier I had noticed a car pull up and park on the side of the building. I assumed it was for one of her co-worker's ride home. I never expected to see Alec get out and walk towards her. He reached up and tried to kiss her but she batted his advances away. He only laughed and grabbed for her boob. Then he wrapped his arm over her shoulder and led her to his car.

Why was he treating her that way? I had heard they were fucking and it pissed me off. She deserved much more than just a guy to fuck.

Maybe if I tried hard enough, I could prove to her, and to Edward and mostly to myself that I could be what she deserved. I could be _that_ person for her…the person I used to be.. the person who could stop blaming my innocent brother and help him heal. I knew _that_ Jasper was still inside me...somewhere.

I just needed to unlock him from the dark room he was hiding like a fucking coward in.

I had a feeling the Miss Mary Alice Brandon held the one and only key.

**~%~**

* * *


	4. Chapter 4 Just A Bitch

**THIS IS TANYA'S POV FROM THE NIGHT OF THE PARTY. GO AHEAD AND HATE HER:)**

**A/N from SuzyQ402:**

**As requested here is Tanya's POV from the night of the party at Casa de Cullen. I have to admit it was hard writing this. I use personal experiences to pull from and to be honest I cant remember ever being high on coke while sitting on a hot boys lap and grabbing the family jewels. I wanted to thank the all the ladies in the Blue Bubble over on the High Anxiety thread for their friendship, support, love and girl fight- smack down ideas. (never had one of those either...apparently I need to get out more) I hope I did ya proud!!**

**Steph...I lub u, BB. July can't come fast enough!!**

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Chapter 31~ Outtake~ Just A Bitch**

**I hate the world today  
You're so good to me I know that I can't change  
I tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe  
I'm an angel underneath; innocent and sweet  
Yesterday I cried; Must've been relief to see the softer side  
I can understand how you'd be so confused  
I don't envy you; I'm a little bit of everything  
all rolled into one**

**Meredith Brooks ~ Bitch  
**

How did I always find myself in these positions? I was sitting in the bar of The Blue Bubble the newest restaurant in Port Angeles. Alone. Did I mention it was Valentines weekend?

_Yeah, I'm a loser. _

I was currently in a relationship, if that's what you wanted to call it, with my very married Art History TA. I knew what I was getting into the first time he invited me into his office to "review" my latest research paper. Needless to say, we made use of his very large desk and comfortable leather chair. Twice.

_From the way he screamed my name, I'll be sure to get at least an A this semester._

As I watched all the couples have drinks before their names were called to be seated, you could clearly tell the new lovers from the old….comfortable love from restrained lust. I'd always been told that I was pretty and smart but for some reason here I sat. Alone. My mom said the problem was that guys were intimidated by me, afraid to approach me, and that I needed to put off a friendlier vibe.

_Fuck that. I am who I am. If you don't like it. Tough shit._

I was contemplating all this while sipping my glass of wine. The bartender had no problem serving me, because I guess he was too busy checking out my tits instead of my ID. I had my fake one…ID that is, not tits… these babies were real…but I had it on me just in case decided he needed to know when I was born. My mind was starting to wander when my phone buzzed.

**Bathroom. 10 min.**

Wonderful. My sister was sitting at one of the candle lit tables behind me. She had met this guy over the net a month or so ago. I was not about to let her come here on a date by herself. He could totally be an axe murderer or like, into sick twisted sex games, like bondage and shit.

My mind drifted back to our argument earlier this evening.

"Tanya! He's not a killer. I have been talking to him for over a month now. He's a really nice guy." Irina was running between the bathroom that connected the bedrooms of our child hood home. She was a hot, half dressed, nervous wreck mess with huge Velcro rollers in her hair. We hadn't been home long. The drive from our school in Tacoma to our parent's house in Seattle had taken most of the day and I wasn't really looking forward to another 3 hours in a car but I would never let her drive into Port Angeles by herself. Plus, I thought maybe, I could do a little business while I was there. We were going to be home for a long holiday weekend and I was sure I would need something…recreational… to pass the time. Maybe a call to my friendly Good Humor man was just what I needed. No, I was so not talking about ice cream.

"Irina, we are not having this conversation again. I told you I'm not letting you go by yourself." I counted off my fingers to emphasize my point. "First of all, if Mom found out she would kill me. Second…well I just don't trust the net, you know? People can be anyone they want to be on the net. And thirdly…What if he has like one eye and stutters or drools. What if he smells like a dog. A. WET. DOG. Then what are you going to do? What if he's stupid like those guys on that stupid Jersey Shore reality show that you're obsessed with?" I made sure I said that with my worst New Jersey accent. I continued, "You'll need an escape route."

"You are the most over bearing, bitchy, miserable stubborn person I know," she said through clenched teeth. "He's not a stutterer. I've spoken to him on the phone. He owns his own business. You've seen his web site."

She had a point. I had seen the pics and called to verify it through the Better Business Bureau. It seemed this guy was too good to be true which led me to believe that he was. I couldn't help it. I had always been a "glass is always half empty" kind of girl. I simply didn't trust people.

"Well those could be photo shopped. You never know. Look at all those manips they do with the actors now. Those people have a gift."

She stopped and turned to me. "Tanya, we have been through this before. I chose that dating site because I'm not into the bar scene and neither is he. I'm tired of men coming on to me because of the way I look. They all think I'm dumb and only want to get into my pants and I'm just tired of it. It gets old. I thought you of all people would understand this. I'm on that site, too, and I'm not an axe murderer, so just trust me a little more. I know what I'm doing, okay?"

We left shortly after that for the ride into Port Angeles. Irena looked great, but then again she always did. Everything about her screamed approachable. Her smile and her posture, her attitude. Out of the two of us, she definitely got the friendly gene.

So there I sat playing bodyguard for my twin sister to make sure her mystery/blind date/on line set up was not in fact a deranged co-ed killer. From my vantage point at the bar, I could only see the back of his head. His dark hair was cut short and he was at least 8 inches taller than my sister. It seemed he knew everyone in the crowded restaurant. There was always someone stopping by his table to shake hands with him. Good Lord. I wondered if he was some type of local politician. All he needed was a few babies to kiss and you would think he was running for office. He could certainly work a room.

Irina was taking it all in smiling politely as he introduced her. Gag me. She was all smiles and shy giggles. I've seen that look before. She's done. Toasted. Put a fork in her. It's going to be a long night.

I left an update on my Twitter page.

**Twinpeaks 1 "Happy V-day eve twitter babes. Playing wing woman for sister. FML."**

I finished my drink, left a ten on the bar and slipped off my stool. As I headed for the secret bathroom rendezvous, I caught a profiled glimpse of Irina's mystery man. He looked really familiar. She excused herself to meet me. Not too obvious… twins walking into the bathroom at the same time. Even though we were not identical we still looked enough alike to make people turn their heads.

We weren't in there 10 seconds before she started bouncing up and down on her 4 inch heels.

"Slow down there sister. Break those heals and I'll kill you. I haven't even had a chance to wear them yet. So, you like him? Is he everything you dreamed he would be? Do you want to run off with him and have 2.5 children, a golden retriever and a minivan?"

_Wow, where did that come from? Envious much?_

Even I didn't like the sound of my own voice tonight. Maybe because that's exactly what my professor had with his wife. I stared into Irina's dancing eyes and watched as all the excitement drained out of them.

Shaking her head in disgust, she finally spoke."Why can't you just be happy for me, Tanya? He's a really nice, decent guy. And have you seen him? Um…yum…You don't need to stay here. I can find my own way home." She pulled the compact from her purse and proceeded to ignore me.

It took me a while to reply to her. She was usually never this _cold_ with me. "I'm sorry, Sis. I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I think I need to get laid or high or maybe both." I nudged her shoulder and forced her to look at me. She shot me another evil look through the mirror. "I'm just kidding. Geez you find yourself a hot guy and now you go all prim and proper on me. So you really like him?" I raised my eyebrows in question prompting her to go on. Her smile was back.

"He's tying to figure out where he's knows me from. He insists he's seen me before. I told him that maybe he'd seen some of those print ads I did for that boutique in Seattle."

As she continued the abridged version of her evening, I quietly sent a text to my Good Humor Man. I only saw him when I was in PA. It never hurt to have too many connections.

I need a little something-something. Can you help a sister out?

She continued talking but to be honest, I think I heard maybe every third word. I was a horrible sister I knew, but sometimes I just couldn't stand all the happy. I don't think she had taken a breath since we walked in there.

She shook my arm. "Tanya? Did you hear a single word I said? I'll be okay. He promised to get me home safe. Here's his business card with all his info on it. I caved and told him you were here with me. He agreed that it was a good idea to not come alone. Would you like to meet him?"

I shook my head. "No, no. You go on have fun. I'll be close though in case you need anything. I think I'm going to head over to Aunt Me-Me's and Uncle C's. I haven't seen them for a while and if they find out I was this close and didn't stop by…you know what will happen. If it gets too late I'm sure they won't care if I crash on their couch if you uh…wanna take full advantage of him."

I smiled, kissing her cheek and headed out the door the same time my phone buzzed.

**Long time no hear. I'm in PA. No smoke but some dust. You in?**

I walked through the dim parking lot looking over my shoulder one last time to see if Irena had gotten back to her seat. Her date sat his phone on the table then stood to help her into her chair. I sat in the front seat of my car debating whether or not to take up his offer on the blow. I hadn't done coke for a while. In fact, I think the last time I indulged was the night of the New Moon concert, the night we saw Edward and his little girlfriend.

I tried to stay away from it. I liked it too much but tonight, well tonight was different. I needed something to take the edge off that would last me the whole long ass weekend at my parents house.

From the driver's seat I texted him back.

**That will work. Meet me? Where R U?**

While I pulled out of the parking lot, I could see Irena through the window of the restaurant. Their appetizers had just been served.

He sent me a message as to where to meet him.

**Blue Bubble. ASAP. What U driving?**

**Black Mustang. B there in 5. Meet me in back.****  
**  
Once I pulled into the back lot, I spotted Good Humor walking towards my car.

Jesus fucking Christ. It hit me like a ton of God damn bricks. No wonder Irena's date thought he knew her from somewhere. She was on a romantic Valentines dinner with the man of her dreams who also turned out to be my fucking dealer. Could this night get any worse?

"Jay. What the fuck are you doing?" I whispered-screamed at him. Loudly. Well as loud as I could considering I was in the middle of engaging in a highly illegal activity in a very public parking lot with the man my sister thinks is better than the semi-annual bra sale at Victoria's Secret.

"Holy fucking shit," he laughed. "Small goddamn world. I guess I know now where I know Irina from," Jay said with a shit assed grin on his face. He continued chuckling to himself over the fucked up situation we found ourselves in.

"She's a lot nicer than you. No offense, Tanya, but you are sort of a bitch."

The man all the sudden thought he was a comedian.

I poked my finger into his chest…hard. "Let me tell you this, fucker. You are going to wine and dine her. You are going to make sure she gets home safe and sound. Then you are going to leave. Do you hear me? What excuse did you use to get out here and why didn't she notice you texting me?

"I forgot her Valentines present in the car," he said with a shrug of his shoulder, "Plus I have mad texting skills. I am a business man after all."

"Business man my ass," I replied sharply as I grabbed the glass vial from his hand and shoved money in his shirt pocket. I warned him one last time before getting back into my car. "Hurt her and I'll kill you while you sleep."

My phone rang with Twitter posts. I figured it was time to post an updated status. This shit was fucking addicting. Ridiculous but addicting.

**Twinpeaks1 Heading to Forks to spend V-day eve w/family. Woe is me. I need laid. Bad. Any takers? J/K…not into lady bits…anymore. *wink*  
**  
I pulled out my phone to get the Cullen's address and plugged it into the GPS on the dash of my car. It looked easy enough as long as the computerized -voiced- lady kept telling me to 'turn left here…turn right here'. Twenty minutes and a bottle of water later I pulled onto their car lined street. Shit. I needed to pee really bad and there was no fucking place to park. Someone must have been having a party. As I pulled closer, I began to realize that the party was indeed at the Cullen's.

Jesus, their house was huge. I had never been there so I really didn't know what to expect. I wondered if my parents were here? They didn't mention they were coming into Forks but then again, I really didn't talk to them much today. Shit.

I tucked the vial deeper down into my purse preparing to probably run into my mom and dad. Irina and I had them convinced that we were good girls- no drinking, no drugs, pure as snow virgins. Ha!

As I got closer, I realized that something was definitely not right. I didn't see my parents car and I doubted that any of my rich aunt and uncles friends would be driving a piece-of-shit Chevy Cavalier. Plus I didn't think they would be blaring the Foo Fighters from the stereo.

I walked in the front door and was met with a couple clinging to each other for dear life.

_Ugh, highschoolers. Get a room already. Or a fringing backseat._

As I traveled the unfamiliar floor plan of the house searching for a friendly face my phone chimed.

**Twinpeaks1 High school party at the cuz's house. Awesome! *puts on cougar claws and ears.***I meandered my way through the living room and the dining room still not seeing a familiar face. Finally in spotted Emmett sitting around the kitchen island playing quarters.

"Tanya!" he screamed over the music while getting up. "What are you doing here? I haven't seen you for what? Almost a year. This is my girlfriend, Rose."

Emmett's girlfriend just stared at me with narrowed eyes. She was really fucking pretty but reminded me of a girl that would be on a roller derby team. I was sure she had kicked her fair share of ass. I figured I had better make the first move before she goes all territorial on my ass.

"Hi," I said to her while extending my hand. "I'm Tanya. Emmett and I are sort of cousins."

"I know exactly who you are," Rose said curtly.

Wow and I thought I was a bitch.

I took my hand back, muttering, "Oookay."

Em continued regardless of his girlfriend's coldness towards me. "Mom and Dad had to go to Portland for a funeral. So you know, being the social stud that I am, I decided to hold a little shindig here at Casa de Cullen. Jazz is here too. Edward's on his way home with some more booze. The good stuff."

"Wow, Em. That's smart," I whispered into his ear. "You send your baby brother with the police record to buy you booze. Smooth move Einstein." I couldn't help the sarcasm in my voice. Sometime these boys just didn't fucking think through shit.

"Shit. I never even thought of it like that Tanya. Thanks for making me feel like a horrible fuckwad of a brother. He has the fake ID so it was just a given, I guess. He should be home pretty soon… I just talked to him. He was leaving Port Angeles. You want a beer or something? The keg is on the back porch."

And with that he was gone. Called away by the band of football brothers surrounding the kitchen island.

I figured since I was already there I might as well make the most of it. I got a beer and started to mingle throughout the house. I spotted Jazz and proceeded to make my way over to say hello. They had the room pretty much cleared out except for some disco ball thing and Edwards's piano.

"Hey there sweet thing. What's your name? I'm Mike. Mike Newton." A boy that looked to be about twelve years old tried to whisper sexily to me as he attempted to block my path to Jazz. Who the fuck did Em invite to this thing… Forks Elementary School?

I pushed his chest away with two fingers. "Hold up there, Fig. I'm not interested in any little boys. Jailbait and all."

He stared at me with a look of such confusion on his face. It would have been comical if it wasn't so pathetic. The group around him giggled and coughed. Apparently, they were a little quicker with the one liners than Mr. Fig Newton here.

"Fig? No, the name is Mike."

I chucked before I answered him. "I heard what you said there, Fig, but apparently you didn't. I'm. Not. Interested."

The same time the words escaped my lips…almost in slow motion…I saw a girl dancing towards us…not watching what she was doing in her underage drunken stupor…run right into the back of my friend Fig. He crashed into me sending my beer down the front of my shirt and his into my hair.

"Fuck. Fuckity Fuck. Fuck Fuck! What the hell, Fig?" I stood there staring at him while he held his hands up in a defensive way silently apologizing to me for my sudden beer bath. He attempted to wipe the beer of my shirt with a napkin, but I really thought he was just trying to cop a feel. He stammered an apology and then stumbled away.

I turned to scout out a Cullen brother to see if I could borrow a shirt from Aunt Me-Me, now that mine was destroyed. Jazz was no longer right in front of me so I ventured back in to the kitchen looking for Em. When I found him, his tongue was so far into Roses mouth I swear he was checking for cavities.

I grabbed my purse and started to look for Aunt Me-Me's and Uncle C's room. I felt comfortable enough to go into the blocked off areas on my own knowing that they wouldn't care since it was me. At least they were smart enough to lock the doors. I'm sure my aunt and uncle wouldn't appreciate someone fucking in their bed.

I headed back towards the kitchen remembering seeing a back staircase. I ventured up into a hallway. The next two doors were locked also. All of a sudden I felt a lot like Goldie Locks. I finally found the last room down the long hall unlocked, which by the immaculate state it was in, I assumed it was Edwards. And then one glance at the picture of his little girlfriend on his nightstand, I knew for sure it was his.

**Twinpeaks1 Been bathed in beer. FML…some idiot named after a cookie drenched me.**

I quickly disposed of my beer soaked shirt and found my way into Edwards's closet. It was like fucking Macys in here. Everything all color coordinated and ironed…tee shirts folded so neatly it was like he had his own personal Gap employee hidden somewhere.

**Twinpeaks1 I have died and gone to closet heaven twitter girls. Little cuz's closet makes me wanna cum. **

After browsing for a while, I grabbed the black button down shirt hanging on the door knob thinking I could tie it on front and at least make it look halfway decent layered with a tank top or something.

I started going through his drawers knowing it was kind of wrong but at the moment not giving a fuck. I was smelling more like beer by the minute and I could feel my hair getting sticky as it mixed with my hair spray.

Looky here….what did I come across.

**Twinpeaks1 Just found baby cuz's porn collection. Guess he's growing up *wipes tear*  
**  
I raised my eyebrow and smirked as I spied a bottle of lotion mixed in with Playboys and an assortment of videos...an a tube of lube. Good for you Edward. Keeping the pipes clean.

In the bathroom, I jumped into the warm water washing away the nasty smell of stale beer while taking in the pristine surroundings. Damn… even my bath at home wasn't this clean and I was a chick. He had more bottles of shampoo and body washes than my sister and I combined.

_What the fuck, Edward?_

I got out of the shower and slathered the lotion I found in Edwards drawer-o-porn on my legs and arms, wrapped my hair in a towel, reapplied my makeup and slipped on the tank and the black shirt. I wasn't there long before Edward's voice rang out startling me and making me fuck up my eye liner.

"Beautiful?"

A small knock vibrated on the door and I opened it with a big ass smile.

"Hey Handsome," I said in my cheeriest voice. I could see he was clearly not expecting me on the other side of the door.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" _Yeah, he was pissed._

That certainly was not the welcome I was expecting.

"Is that how you greet me? Shit, you're in a mood." After I answered his question why I was there, I explained to him what happened and how I came to be in his room.

"Yours was the only one unlocked." I asked him why that was and he explained that since he had driven his moms new SUV into Seattle Em wasn't sure he had his keys with him and didn't want to lock them inside his room so he left it unlocked knowing he would be home soon.

We hadn't seen or talked since the day after the concert so we spent a few minutes catching up. We chatted about why he was dressed like a preppy nerd and who's funeral my Aunt and Uncle were attending. I rolled my eyes at and shook my head when he told me all about his failed attempt at marriage. Poor thing. I actually felt sorry for the kid.

"Why exactly are you here in Forks?" Edward asked me with a surprised tone to his voice.

I gave him the short version of Irena and her dream Valentine date. And then the details about what happened to my clothing and why he found me in his bathroom clearly disappointed that I was not Bella. He made it known that the shirt I picked had not been the best choice since it was a gift from his girlfriend but again I really didn't give a shit who it was from. I looked good in it and in my book that was all that mattered.

While I was making my way from the bathroom I could hear the phone in my purse ringing.

I could see him staring at me. "What the hell is wrong with you?" I snapped. "There's a party going on downstairs. Why aren't you having fun with your friends." I reached into my purse to check my phone. I couldn't believe Professor Eleazar actually called me. Yeah, he liked it when I called him Professor.

_Wasn't he supposed to be spending the day with his wife? Guess he missed me after all._

I dug deep into the side pocket looking for the little vial I had hidden there fearing I was going to run into my parents. I pulled it out and held it up to the light. Jay was a pretty good guy, for a small time drug dealer. He hooked me up this time. The vial was full and would last me a while if I could contain my urges but if this weekend ahead was anything like Christmas break with my parents… I couldn't lie to myself. It wouldn't last long.

I looked over and saw Edward gaping at me.

"You want some candy?" I hadn't really thought about the fact that Edward was still standing there when I pulled it out and examined it. I would at least have to offer him some, you know, to be nice. I knew he had problems with control in the past but maybe he was over that shit. Regardless, I did a bump, not really giving a rat's ass.

Watching him was rather comical. I could literally see the good versus evil conversation he was having with himself and knew the exact moment when good lost. He made his way over and sat next to me on the couch.

"Gimme," he said eagerly holding his hand out like a fucking impatient five year old. He opened the vial and tapped a small amount onto the back of his hand, mirroring the way I had done it. We sat and lost ourselves in the feelings that the coke brought to us. He gave me a huge toothy smile silently thanking me.

One bump led to another and before we realized it we were both laughing and dancing around the room like we did as children during all the summer vacations our families shared. I know we probably looked like idiots but Edward seemed to be having fun and loosening up a bit. He had been so high strung the last time I had seen him, it was nice to see him let loose for a change. And damn, he was hot as hell when he was sweaty and breathing all hard. He would raise his hands above his head and that nerd shirt he was wearing would raise up and give me a little peek at what buried underneath. Tanya likey.

Edward and I grew up together thinking we were family, we called each other cousin in the company of others but to me he was a totally hot, sexy as fuck, want to lick man. Thank God we weren't blood related.

Yeah, I had already fucked him…taught him the ways of the world so to speak. I knew he had a girlfriend he was totally into but to be honest, I would have loved another hit of that especially now that he actually knew what to do with his 'equipment.' I wouldn't have to play teacher anymore, unless of course, he wanted me to.

I'd always had this fantasy about getting him into bed again. Irena screwed Jasper but never really wanted to revisit it, feeling like it was incestuous or something. Me? Well, there was just something about Little Edward that screamed sex. I couldn't put my hand on it but I sure wanted to try.

Edward got up to take a shower and my mind wandered to what would be behind that bathroom door. He hinted for me to leave but I really didn't want to. He mentioned being tired and I wondered if he was just trying to get rid of me but I called him on that bullshit pretty quick. We had just done two bumps of coke there was no way he was tired. I was perfectly content sitting my fine ass there on his fine leather couch and thinking about Edward's fine ass.

Naked. Naked and wet. Jesus.

"Whatever," I told him resentfully. "I'll go mingle with the toddlers."

I headed downstairs to find that the party had indeed multiplied with a lot of high school jocks… Mmmm...fresh meat. If they could just keep their mouths closed, everything would be good. Maybe I could be someone's cougar for the evening…I'm sure I could make some dude's fantasy come true.

_Damn this coke makes me fucking horny._

I needed to get the fuck out of there immediately. I weaved my way through the crowd past the group at the kitchen island. I saw that the Ice Queen had made her way onto Ems' lap. I swore she gave me the stink eye as I walked past her.

Bitch. Takes one to know one, honey.

My phone buzzed with another Twitter update.

**Twinpeaks1 still at house party at cuz's house. Lots of virgin meat. Suddenly I'm very hungry. Something better waiting upstairs though. Yum.  
**  
_Line starts here boys. Let me show ya how it's done. Everyone's welcome except for the cookie boy._

After flirting my way through the crowd, I realized that even though I could've had my way with a few of them I had to keep my eye on the prize and realized Edward was probably out of the shower by now.

I walked through the kitchen grabbed a couple beers and made my way back to Edward's room. He wasn't out of the shower yet so I let my mind wander while I returned a phone call.

_Hi, baby. Happy Valentine 's Day._

"What are you doing calling me on Valentine's Day? I thought you would be spending it with your wife."

_I just missed you. Don't start acting like a child._

"What? I'm not being a child. I knew what I was getting myself into when I agreed to go out with you, I'm a big girl… and I miss you too. I especially miss the way your hands were all over me after class yesterday.

_Where the hell are you? Watch who you're talking in front of, baby._

"No one can hear me. Our little secret is safe…You wanna talk dirty to me?"

_Ohh yeah…You gonna let me cum all over your tits again?_

"Oh Jesus…I love when you say those things…you are getting me all worked up…

_You're horny tonight, huh?_

"Yeah I'm fucking horny...

_Fuck, you're high again, aren't you?_

I may have had a little something…what are you my dad?

Edward walked into the room fresh from the shower in nothing but a towel wrapped low on his hips. He looked genuinely surprised to see me there again. Suddenly my phone conversation didn't seem so important.

I looked up and licked my lips. "Yum," I mouthed to him. Looked like little Eddie had grown into those gangly long legs and big feet.

Hot damn…he's quite the specimen isn't he?

A far cry from that sun burnt virgin of two years ago. He'd become quite a man…a very sexy, virile man. Perfectly positioned treasure trail…tight abs…Jesus fucking Christ I forgot about the nipple ring and the tattoo. Those were a welcome addition since the last time I had seen this shirtless little boy.

_Baby…you there? I gotta get going. I'll see you in class…bent over my desk._

I realized I had zoned out on my phone call to stare at Edward as he walked through his room into his closet.

"I'm sorry I didn't hear you…_oh ok._. I can't wait to do that again too, although your desk wasn't the most comfortable place."

"I thought you were going downstairs to babysit," Edward said as I felt him sit down on the couch next to me. "Gimme another bump. Please."

I covered my phone and told him no, that he'd had enough. He was a persistent sexy assed fucker. But honestly, I love the control I had over the situation. Clearly I was in the driver's seat here and I was about to have a little fun. We comfortably bantered back and forth flirting with each other. Maybe he wasn't into little Bella like I thought he was. Thank God. She's a little needy.

I spoke into the phone, "Listen I have to go….yeah…I'll see you Tuesday. I'll be thinking of you too, baby. Bye."

I hung up my phone as the little fucker grabbed my purse and started to dig through the various pockets. I grabbed for it as he held it just out of my reach. He continued with his flirty responses… he was so clearly into me. The smirk on his face said it all…he felt it too. Little Eddie wanted to have a play date. I was all about being a gracious guest. I hope he was as horny as I was.

"Give it back to me right now," I playfully growled at him. God damn he was so fucking hot I couldn't stand it. I could feel the heat radiating off of his chest and he just smelled so…so clean and fresh and his hair was still wet and his breath was minty and my God I wanted him in the worse way. My head was spinning with all things Edward.

He dug pretty much blindly into my purse until he came up with the vial. He looked like a kid that just found the prize in the bottom of the cereal box. His beautiful green eyes were wide… his pupils large and staring at me. I could see the lust there. He was unscrewing the lid with one hand while trying to hold me back with the other. His hand accidentally skimmed my unrestrained breast and he snickered at me.

I used my sexiest whine, "Come on… there's not much left and I need it to last the weekend." I sat up on my knees as he continued to check me out.

Like what you see, Baby?

I straddled his lap acting like I was really concerned about the blow but to be honest …sitting there, like that with him was worth every penny I paid for the coke. This night was turning out to be pretty damn fabulous. He continued to tease and taunt me…holding the vial above my head while securing me with his strong arm. I could see his abs flexing with the movement and I got the sudden urge to just run my hands through the hair there. The last time we were together, he just had a trace of fuzz and the beginnings of puberty.

Well now he was full blown man and I wanted a re-do.

He mentioned he would buy me more if finished mine and it never occurred to me that he had access to a dealer. Chalk another thing up to my Eddie turning into a man. I sat up pretty quickly when I realized that he indeed opened that bottle one handed.

Ohh…exquisitely skilled fingers…must be all the piano playing…

Almost immediately I heard Edward yell, "Fuck, You see what you did, Godammit. Now get the hell off me."

I didn't realize that with all my grinding on his junk, purposely on accident, that I had bumped his hand causing the remainder of the blow fall onto my shoulder.

_Think fast, Tanya. Don't let him shove you off his lap. You are really close. Keep your eye on the prize. _

I realized I hadn't put my beer drenched bra back on so I pulled the collar of the shirt away from my collar bone and instructed him to indeed snort it off my skin. There was no way I was dumping that much blow into the garbage.

He bent his head forward, soooo checking out my tits, and sniffed the dust from the indentation of my shoulder. I could feel his hair again my skin. His soft lips skimmed my skin as he inhaled the dust. I could feel his dick harden under me giving me the green light to advance my plans for the evening. I knew from previous experience that men hopped up on coke could go all night and I was salivating at the thought.

Edward's next words dripped sex, "Oh, that's so fucking good."

Well hello the little Eddie. Well not so little any more.

The moan that left my lips let him know exactly what I was thinking. I leaned further forward and wrapped my hand around the back of his neck running my fingers through his still damp hair. I positioned myself on his lap so that my tits we perfectly aligned his chest as I rubbed my hand up and down the soft skin that was pulled tight over his chiseled abs.

I felt his head shaking back and forth and the words from his lips shocked me, "Tanya…stop." He opened his eyes and looked at me. I didn't understand the expression in them. He looked scared and shocked…apprehensive. His eyes and his voice may have been telling me to stop but as I reached my hands into his pants his dick told me what I wanted to hear.

I breathed heavily into his ear while I snaked my hand down into the warmth of his pants. "You don't want me to stop and you know it," I whispered to him seductively. I couldn't believe what I had my fingers wrapped around. He was steel hard and I could feel the pulse running through it. His breathed hitched and before I realized it, Edward was standing and I was ass over elbows onto the floor.

"Tanya, get the fuck off me!" he screamed. I was totally confused. Did he want to do it on the floor instead of the couch? It would be much more comfortable up there…but if he would prefer it on the floor than who was I to deny him that? But he was glaring…seething mad at me.

"Edward, what the fuck did you do that for?" I looked up at him with disbelief in my eyes. Obviously, he was paying me no attention so I fucking punched him in the leg and that's when I decided to follow his eyes to see what he was staring at and I saw her…Bella in the doorway. We were so busted.

Needy girlfriend alert. She stood there for a fraction of a second before she turned and ran out the door with Edward hot on her heels.

I composed myself, grabbed my phone and followed him to the stairway making my way slowly down the steps. I could feel eyes on me as Edward ran out the front door chasing after Bella like a little pussy whipped bitch. I fluffed my hair and continued towards the kitchen. I held my head up high. We had done nothing wrong. I didn't really see what the big deal was, quite honestly.

I needed a beer.

**Twinpeaks1 think I just pissed off the main course for the evening. Who knew GF wouldn't share?  
**  
I could see from the crowd around the window that Miss Over Reaction was putting on a pretty good show. Bravo.

And the award goes to…

A couple hours had passed and the party was starting to wind down. Edward and Bella were nowhere to be seen, so I assumed they had kissed and made up. Or whatever the fuck the no touching weirdo's did after they fought.

Most people had gravitated to the kitchen and we were all standing around bullshitting. I was introduce to Jazz's girlfriend, Alice. She seemed nice enough. She was strange….in a cartoon kinda way. I expected, every time she talked, to have one of those thought balloons over her head capturing all her words.

I was leaning against the counter with Fig drinking a beer when "Little Miss Cant Be Wrong" sashayed over to the fridge shaking her ass like she owned the place and grabbed a bottle of water. She looked like hell, even if I did say so myself. She was much paler than I remembered but then again the last time I saw her I really wasn't into looking at her, if you know what I mean.

Alice and Rose went all fan girl on her… fawning over her like she was some superstar. They hugged and kissed and it was almost…_almost _endearing. Quiet whispers and glances my way led me to believe I was the topic of their secret hush- hush conversation. Fuck them. Who the hell did they think they were? The Cullen boys were mine way before any of them came into the picture. I had tenure.

I made eye contact with Miss Priss and raised my eyebrow at her daring her to call me on what happened earlier. I'm sure Edward had filled her in on all the details. He would have my back…he knew it was all in fun. I knew she was far too timid to say something to me. Just because she could boss Edward around and make him follow her like a lost puppy dog didn't mean I had to. Screw this. She wasn't going to make me feel uncomfortable in MY family's home.

Then it happened. She fucking raised her hand and slapped me across the face. Hard…twice. I spilled my drink for a second time tonight. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks and my heart all of a sudden was beating out of my chest.

Oh yeah…bring it on, Bitch. It's been a while.

I lunged towards her so seething mad I was shaking. I shoved her as I screamed, "Who the fuck do you think you are hitting me?"

She shoved right back surprising me for a second time tonight. Em quickly grabbed her and at the same time Rose grabbed me from behind. She had my hair wrapped in her hand. That shit hurt but I would deal with her later. All the eyes that were previously occupied were now staring at us.

Rose whispered menacingly in my ear, "Touch her again whore, and I'll show you who the fuck I am." She yanked my hair again, "You understand me?"

"How dare you?" Bella continued to scream at me. "How fucking dare you give that shit to him when you know he had a problem."

All the leftover emotion came bubbling to the surface…I was half drunk and half stoned… not a good combination. I was done putting up with this... this… child and her know it all attitude. I felt Roses grip loosen on my hair.

_This bitch had better let go of me before I claw out her fucking eyes._

I spat back at her...my eyes narrowing as I took her in. "You are suck a naïve little girl. Edwards a big boy now. He can handle himself. What are you trying to do…be his mommy?" I smirked at her the same time the bitch grabbed my hair again.

_Oh, Em and I are so going to have a little chit-chat about this one._

Apparently her verbal assault was not going to end anytime soon now that she had an audience. "Fuck you, you stupid whore. Do you give a shit about him, or do you just want to get him high and fuck him?"

This was going to end. Now. On my terms. She knew nothing about me or how I felt about Edward. How dare she try to understand what we had…what we shared. It was special and she wasn't going to cheapen it with her insecurity.

"Oh, please. You have no idea what you are even talking about. I love him like a little brother. I would do anything for him and he feels the same way about me." I looked at her…daring her to continue in this verbal tennis match we had going on here.

"Oh really? You would give coke to your little brother when you know he has a drug problem, and while he's been drinking and on prescription medications? You are a real doll, Tanya."

_Jesus Christ. Doesn't this girl ever shut the fuck up?_

I had one answer for her. She needed to mind her own business and stay the fuck out of mine.

"Oh, fuck you!"

"What the fuck, Tanya? You gave him coke?"

_Wonderful. Now Em was yelling at me, too._

When were they all going to grow up and realize that Edward was not a little boy anymore and let him make his own choices? He could have said no. He could have walked away but he chose to stay with me. _Me_. He stayed with me when there was a whole party going on down here. Jazz, Em and the Bitch all disappeared up stairs leaving me in the kitchen with people I didn't even know chastising me for doing nothing but sharing.

Rose released my hair and spun me towards her. "What were you thinking? Oh wait, you don't have a brain… no thinking going on in there," she said as she pointed me in my head.

"Don't touch me bitch," I screamed at her. "This is none of your fucking business."

"Oh, Tanya, who's being the naïve child now? Anything that goes on here tonight is my business. You gave him coke? Jesus Christ you are more stupid that I originally thought you were. Apparently, your twin got the brains when they were dividing things up. Esme and Carlisle think the sun rises and sets on your ass. I can't wait to tell them otherwise."

I pointed my finger at her. "You won't open your fucking mouth to them. You are nothing to them. I am family. They will believe me before they even think to consider your story."

Rose stepped closer to me. We were now toe to toe. I started to walk away but she grabbed my arm. "You don't walk away from me when I talking to you. That's just fucking rude. You are forgetting one thing, Tanya dear, I'm Emmett's girlfriend and right now you are not his favorite person. If you think for a minute that you are going to get away with this, you are fucking delusional. I will see to it that Esme and Carlisle get the whole story. In fact I will make it my life's work to take you down. Bella is my best friend. You want to talk about family? She is like a sister to me and I would do anything to protect her. _Anything_. So if I were you I would be careful about what you say." She released my arm and stalked away.

I was drenched in beer for the second fucking time tonight. I pulled off Edward's shirt and threw it on the kitchen island before I walked outside to the deck in nothing but his tank top. Grabbing another cup, I took the three steps off the deck towards the keg. I heard the door open and close behind me but didn't think anything of it. I reached up and pulled the band from my hair…a headache was setting in from Rose pulling on it. Bitch.

I needed to get my thoughts together and figure out what I was going to do about her and Aunt Me-Me and Uncle Carlisle. I would have loved to beat the living shit out of her but I knew she was a minor and I wasn't going to spend time in jail for anyone. Especially her.

I heard a throat clear behind me and I turned to see a set of eyes level with mine. Alice.

"What the fuck do you want? I said to her.

She silently stared at me for a minute before she spoke to me coldly. "You know, Tanya. What you did tonight was just so fucking wrong. Edward trusted you and you betrayed him. He's always looked to you as a friend. Someone he could count on and you fucking let him down by contributing to his demons. Like Rose said Bella is like a sister to me and I will do _anything_ required of me to protect her, Edward and his brothers."

"Oh Christ, I'm so not in the mood for anymore shit tonight so I suggest you go back to Munchkinland where you came from, Alice. I think the wicked witch is calling you." I smirked, finding my little joke very humorous.

She let out this crazy laugh and threw her head back. She was kinda scary in a Chuckie Doll kind of way. "You're funny Tanya. If anyone needs a house to fall on her, it's you. You have been for what…three hours and you have successfully ruined an otherwise perfect evening. You're toxic. You need to leave. Cut your losses and just go. Why are you still here anyway?" Her voice was getting higher and higher the faster she spoke.

"Let me explain something to you, sweetie. No one tells me what to do or where to go. I am an adult unlike you and your 'sisters' I will stay here until a Cullen tells me to go and I really don't see that happening…so why don't you just run along like a good little girl and leave me the fuck alone. Oh, and Alice? Later tonight when you are attempting to fuck Jasper… when you lay underneath him just remember it was my twin sister that taught him everything he knows. She had him first. I bet every time he fucks you he silently thanks her. If the princess wouldn't have shown up tonight Edward would have been screaming my name by now."

I turned my back on her effectively relaying the message that this conversation was over. I could feel her still standing above and behind me her breaths coming heavy and labored. In an instant, she was hanging off my back causing me to fall to my knees into the wet grass with a thud.

She had her hand wrapped in my hair and I could feel it being pulled out when it got wrapped around the rings she was wearing. She pushed my face into the ground screaming at me. "You don't know anything about me and Jazz. He loves me. Don't you ever talk about him like that again. He was a child you sick fuck...you and your sister re nothing but baby rapers! Now you are trying to get your claws into Edward again. You are a sick bitch Tanya. Edward _loves_ Bella. He _loves_ her. Do you hear me? She loves him. You stay the fuck away from them. Away from all of us."

I sat up to my knees effectively knocking her onto the ground. I flipped myself over and she was coming at me again. Jesus Christ. This bitch was like a Chihuahua on crack. She was screaming and crying and waving her arms around like some tiny ninja dude. Her hand made contact with my face and her nails scraped along my cheek bone the same time Jasper was pulling her off me.

"Ali, Ali, Ali baby…come on… it's okay…it's okay." Jasper was whispering in her ear as held her close to his chest. She was still reaching for me and crying…I could see her shaking and straining against him.

I reached up and felt the welt from her nails. I pointed my finger in her direction and spoke to Jasper, "That bitch did this to me! Are you going to let her get away with it? I'm bleeding you little whore."

"Whore? You are calling me a whore? You have some nerve. I wasn't trying to fuck the boy you called your brother. That's sick Tanya just…sick. She said horrible things, Jazzy. Just horrible."

"Jazzy? You let her call you Jazzy? Shit…When did you lose your balls too? What is it with you Cullen boys? You get a steady piece of ass and you lose your balls? Edward isn't even getting any and his are gone too. Is it in the water or something around here?"

"It's not in the water, Tanya. We have all just grown up a lot. We know how lucky we all are to have such great girls in our lives. Maybe we have grown up which obviously, you have not. You may be older but that doesn't necessarily mean you are more mature."

Alice ran from his arms in time to lean over a garbage can and puke her guts out.

_Light weight. If you can't handle your booze you have no right to drink it.  
_  
I was starting my way up the deck when Em and Rose were walking out the back door. Em stopped in front of me. "I don't think that's wise Tanya. Here are your clothes and your purse. You can go out through the garage. It's time to say goodnight."

"What? I'm not leaving before I see Edward," I told him. Em looked at me with cold eyes. "You aren't going anywhere near him, Tanya. He's a fucking mess, thanks to you. I still can't believe you gave him coke. He's been really bad lately. I… or maybe we, should have been there for him tonight. It was wrong of all of us to leave him alone, especially after what he's been through lately, but that's our problem to correct not yours."

I looked at him confused by his sudden burst of emotion towards his brother. "Since when is Edwards's emotional wellbeing your problem? You people baby him too much. Let him live his life. Jesus, Em."

"When you've been through what he has then you can have a say in matters…until then stay away from him, Tanya. I'm not going to tell you again."

I stood with my hand son my hips. "Edward is my friend and if he's as fucked up as you say he is…he needs a friend."

Em stood before me shaking his head. "Not anymore. Bella's the only one he needs now. You may not realize it Tanya but she's saving him."

"Saving him?" I raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Saving him from fucking what?"

"Himself", Em spoke softly before he took Rose's hand and turned to walk back into the house holding the door open for Jasper and Alice. He put his arm over Alice's shoulder and whispered something to her. Her giggle was the last thing I heard before he shut and locked the door.

I made my way through the garage out onto the street. Mine was the only car left. It looked lonely parked in front a house that I noticed was for sale. I heard the Cullen's garage door go down as I walked towards my car.

The indicator light from my phone caught my eye as I got into my car. I sat…quiet with my own thoughts for a minute. I leaned over and opened the glove box to dig for the pack of cigarettes I kept in there. As I opened it, a small glass vial fell out of the flip-top box. Coke. How the hell did I forget that was in here? I clenched it in my palm remembering the look on Edward's face as he sniffed it off his hand. It was the most beautiful thing I think I have ever seen. He may love her now but he won't always and when he's ready I'll be there. Waiting…for as long as it takes.

**Twinpeaks1 total fail night. Did I mention how much I hate Valentine's day. 1 is a lonely #.  
**  
I opened the vial and tapped out the powdery goodness onto my hand and inhaled.

~%~


	5. Chapter 5 Friends

**Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and character names. All plot lines, backgrounds, characterizations, and details belong to EdwardsBloodType. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without express written authorization. ©2009 /2010 EdwardsBloodType. All rights reserved worldwide.**

**Thank you to Erika for proofing and to Suzy for making Alice funny and for giving her a striper pole. She thanks you. Actually, Jasper does too.**

**Edward is suddenly a little bit drunker…more drunk (?) in this which is why it's an outtake.**

**Plus, I like Alice and I really wanted to write in the first person for a change.**

***This is for LZTZ***

* * *

**~High Anxiety~**

**Outtake ~ Alice Helps**

**What would you think if I sang out of tune, ****  
****Would you stand up and walk out on me. ****  
****Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song, ****  
****And I'll try not to sing out of key. ****  
****Oh I get by with a little help from my friends, ****  
****Mmm, I get high with a little help from my friends, ****  
****Mmm, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends**

**The Beatles~ With a Little Help From My Friends**

**~Alice~**

_What the hell is that sound?_

I roll over with a groan, wipe the drool off my mouth with the back of my hand and sit upright in bed. My head sort of swims a little and I have to breathe in and out slowly so that the sudden nauseous feeling will go away. Whoa. Someone needs to turn the Merry-Go-Round off, like now.

The wailing from outside is becoming louder, and I swear that if Jasper has gone back out after he said he was going home I'll cut his balls off in his sleep. What's that crazy chick from the eighties name? Elaina Bobbitt. Yeah, I'll go all Elaina Bobbitt on his ass. Okay, no, but I'll probably withhold blowjobs for at least a week just to prove a point.

I stumble to the window, pressing my nose against the cool glass.

_Not Jasper…just Edward._ _Just Edward screaming at the top of his lungs. At one in the morning...in the Swans front yard. Oh, boy. _

I let out a quick sigh of relief, because I really do enjoy giving Jasper oral pleasure and I'm pretty damn good at it, considering I haven't exactly been with a lot of boys. And to tell the truth, I must be doing something right since he hasn't complained. Yeah. Go Me.

Edward is standing on the sidewalk directly across from Bella's bedroom window, loudly yelling her name. _Repeatedly._

One quick yet nervous glance to Bella's driveway and I relax when I see that Charlie's car is not there. He'd string Edward up from his frigging ankles and use him as fish bait if he witnessed his daughter's ex boyfriend screaming her name out front…all Street Car Named Desire and shit. He's gotta be drunk…or really, really horny. Probably both. Poor guy. That's a lethal combination right there.

I honestly feel bad for him, even though he did fuck things up royally with my best friend.

In the streetlights, it is clearly noticeable that he is in bad shape…swaying lightly, his un-tucked shirt wrinkled. He walks backward off her sidewalk towards the street. He misjudges the curb and stumbles on the pavement. Edward is now hopping on one foot, cradling his stubbed toe and cursing wildly. His words echo in quiet darkness of the night, seeming louder and more profane.

Or maybe that's because I'm half in the bag as well and all I want to do is sleep.

I have to be honest. I sort of saw this coming, because I had a hand in creating the situation. Edward is without a doubt a huge mess tonight, and I know my egging him on earlier is a direct result of this.

Fuck me. And now I have to go help him.

"Edward Cullen, is that you out there?" My mother calls out from nowhere. My guess is that she's on the front porch smoking a cigarette. She tries to convince me that she quit months ago but I am not stupid. Maybe a little absent minded, but not stupid. I can smell it on her clothes anyhow.

Edward whips around and bows…his hand turning over his abdomen with a flourish as though he is holding a top hat. How fancy. He's quite the well mannered drunk. Oh Jesus, he is really wrecked.

"Why, yes Mrs. Brandon, it is me…in the flesh. How are you this fine evening?" He is speaking formally, almost with a quasi- English accent and I have to laugh at the theatrics. I've seen Edward drunk and stoned, sometimes one or the other, often both at the same time, but he's usually in such a bad mood regardless. This Edward is completely different. Turns out he's actually fun to watch.

"I'm fine, thank you. And you?" she asks casually, amusement hinting at her tone. She must have just gotten home from her shift at the hospital and yeah, she is totally smoking. From my window I can see the gray smoke coming out in swirls off the porch. She's so busted.

"Oh me? Well, I'm a little drunk." He replies as he holds his hands apart about shoulder width like he's just got himself the catch of the day. He grins, a huge toothy smile, almost proud of himself.

"I can see that. Do your parents know you're out here…drunk and calling Bella's name at one in the morning?"

"Um…no?" he replies. "It's our little secret". He holds his finger up to his lips shushing like a leaky tire. "But my guess is you're gonna tell them anyway?"

She laughs. "Do I have to call the police on you, or are you going to go home peacefully?" she asks calmly, ignoring the obvious implications of his statement hinting at the fact that my mother is a big fat tattletale. Realizing that she can not under any circumstances get Edward into further trouble with his parents or the authorities, I throw on my purple hoodie and my slippers and bolt down the stairs, slamming into the screen door. My mother startles, turning around quickly, tossing her cigarette butt onto the grass as though I am blind to the action.

"Alice!" Edward beams happily, smiling this goofy grin as I step outside.

"Hi Edward," I say. "I saw that Mom. Nice try."

My mom gets up with a scowl, kisses my forehead with her ashtray breath and whispers, "It looks like he might need a friend right now." I nod in agreement and she adds, "Don't be long, okay? Night Edward!" She disappears into the house.

He waves at her like a five year old adding, "Night Ms. B. Sweet dreams. Don't let the bed bugs bite." Ands then he giggles.

"Whatcha doin' Edward?" I ask.

"Looking for my Bella. My Bella. That's her room right there." He says as he points across the street, as though I am unaware of that fact. The mention of her name shifts his mood and he sounds so sad suddenly.

"You okay?" I ask, sitting on the step.

"Sure…no…I don't know, Al." His casual use of the nickname that Bella calls me makes me smile, because Edward and I don't have that kind of close relationship. I mean, I eat lunch at school and dinner with his family every night, but we've never really had a private conversation, and I feel bad about that, I truly do. He's my boyfriend's brother and my best friend's ex. I should talk to him, right? But since the whole breakup, I have been siding with Bella, showing her my support by being mean to Edward. Well, not mean-mean, but not exactly warm and fuzzily forgiving either. It's more of an ignoring kind of thing.

He hurt Bella and he needs to grovel for her forgiveness as well as mine.

_Hurt my BFF and you hurt me. That's how the game is played, my friend._

I pat the step next to me and order him to sit. He staggers over, barefoot and sits down next to me, giving me wide berth. His chin falls onto his open palm and he smiles. With slightly slurred speech, and a few reminders from me to lower his voice, he proceeds to tell me that he's been at a party in Port Angeles. I wait with baited breath for him to say that he's run into Bella on her date, but I relax when he tells me that he didn't see her but wanted to really badly. He tells me the story of how he gave away his shoes and socks while he wiggles his naked piggy's at me and I tell him he has nice feet, because he really does for a guy, but then I remember that Jasper said he gets pedicures.

I want to hug him so badly, because he is such a sweetie under the tough exterior and looks like he needs a hug pretty badly. If he didn't have this stupid restraining order thing, I totally would have.

He and I are quiet for awhile before he says, "Alice? This guy…is he…good looking?"

The question makes my heart hurt.

I shrug and smirk, hoping it will lighten his mood. "Yeah, he's cute. Not _Edward Cullen cute_, but he's okay, I guess." This makes Edward smile a little and look down. I had no clue that he was bashful. What a pleasant surprise.

"Has she called you? Is she having a good time with him?" Edward's eyes are sad and his voice is so pained I can't bear to listen to him. Honestly, I had no idea that he still cared so much about Bella by the way he's been acting. Jasper tells me that Edward seems a lot happier, but he doesn't talk about Bella to him at all. He is purposely very vague and will change the subject immediately. I've seen the changes in him too. He smiles a lot more and he actually participates in the conversation at dinner time, not really sulking like he used to.

When I think about it though, there are many signs. The way he perks up at the mention of Bella's name and then pretends to be all indifferent. The way he's so quiet after his games, even though he's just won, and he's beaming in his seat while we all talk about how great he played as we eat ice cream. He always has his arm thrown over the back of the empty chair next to him, almost like he's waiting for her to show up or is remembering her there.

Oh, and the Easter egg thing! Over Spring break, Esme made us color Easter eggs and we all wrote our names on them. And I made a pink sparkly one with extra glitter and wrote Bella's name on it for her, because it feels weird that she's not with us. Later, after they all dried, Edward picked hers up and looked at it for a long time, turning it and stuff, before he set it back. I don't know why I hadn't noticed before how much he misses her. He's been hiding it and I want to know why.

"No, I told her to call me if she needed to bail," I reply, realizing that Bella has never actually called me. It's late, so obviously she's either been hacked up into pieces by this guy and left in a shallow grave somewhere in the woods or she's having a good time and doesn't need saving. I am praying option number two is the case. "But she hasn't called…."

"Oh." Edward nods solemnly, resting his chin on his knees. Defeated.

"You miss her, don't you?" I ask, a little scared of opening up this topic of conversation with him.

His eyes shut momentarily and he nods, turning his head toward me. "Alice, how…how do I get her to love me again?"

I stare at him in disbelief because really, he is stupid. So I tell him, because if no one else will alert him to this information, then he will always be a stupid boy. "You know, for a guy that is supposedly so smart, you're really kind of a dumbass." I cringe a little bit afterwards at the abrupt harshness of my words, but before I can apologize, he pouts his bottom lip out and gives me sad, hurt, puppy dog eyes.

"Why you gotta kick a man when he's down, Alice? I have no shoes, no girl…and _you_...my only company…are being very, very mean to me," he replies narrowing his green eyes, before resting his head back down on his knees. He is such a pretty boy.

It is here that I see a glimpse of what Bella sees. This is the side that Bella probably only gets to witness and he shows me a tiny glimpse of it and I suddenly understand. He's beautiful and so unbelievably broken.

Okay, yeah so he's amazing looking, it goes without question. And his bod…don't get me started on that either. I mean, Jasper is hot and everything and I totally love him to death and would never, ever… but Edward has this like…bad boy confidence about him without actually having any of that stereotypical cocky arrogance that makes him just ridiculously cute.

I am willing to bet that if he didn't have this restraining order thing, and had never met Bella, he would be a total manwhore. Oh my god, and the tat on the bicep, with the nippie ring…holy shit. Okay, I am totally sounding like I'm lusting after my boyfriend's brother, but I'm not. It's just an observation, mmmmkay?

'Cause I know everyone is going to dissect the shit out of this.

_I love Jasper._

I shake my head. "Edward, just because she broke up with you doesn't mean she still doesn't love you, you stupid boy. What did you expect her to do anyway? You've been rude and ignoring her for months and she just sits there and takes your shit day in and day out. And she's just sad, while you get all happy. Then she meets a nice guy and suddenly you want her again?" I glare at him, watching his face change. As if my words haven't hurt him enough, I get one more jab in. "That shit is not right, Edward. She deserves better." I say as I shake my head at him

"I know she does. I never stopped wanting her, Alice. She's my girl. She's the reason that I am so much better now…she's the reason that I go to therapy and counseling, even though I hate it, and why I stopped smoking, because I need to be better for her. I mean, I did it for myself too, but…I just…I wanted to give her the chance to experience stuff without me dragging her down all the time.

"She deserves to be able to hold hands and have a real relationship and you know I can't give her that. But I can't live without her either, Al. I want her to be happy, but…I can't let her fall in love with this guy. Tell me what to do, Alice. Please. Please, tell me what to do." He looks at me with such loss in his eyes, that I have no choice but to help him.

"First off, she still loves the shit outta you, so get that through your thick head. I don't think the fact that you can't touch even matters to her anymore. 'Cause I think, God knows why, she might be in love with, oh…your charming personality maybe?"

Yeah sure. And his fuckawesome bod has nothing to do with it. Also, Bella may have let me have a good look at the sparklepeen they made before she gave it back; and yeah, I am willing to bet she's gonna wait just to get the real version of that cause um…Jasper's little brother is not so little.

"I am charming, aren't I?" he asks with a big shit eating grin on his face.

"Yeah, you're a real peach," I snap. He immediately looks dejected and sighs. He reminds me of a puppy. This is sort of a fun game, I think to myself, and then I feel bad because I remember how fragile Edward is and that I shouldn't be having fun at his expense. Still, he hurt Bella, so I can't be _all_ nice to him.

He bites a fingernail and looks at me. "I really fucked this up, didn't I?"

I nod. "Yeah. But I don't think it's too late," I say, even though I know damn well it's not. He perks up again.

"Really? What should I do?" He bounces a little on the step.

"Well, for starters, you could try to be honest with her. And I think you need to maybe show her how you feel instead of pretending that you don't give a shit about her."

He cringes like I have confirmed his suspicions. "How do I do that? Like buy her flowers? Take her to dinner?" He looks at me with this hopeful expression plastered all over his face, as if I've just given him a map to the key to unlocking Bella's heart.

"Yeah, maybe…you could do that stuff. But I think that she would like something that _means_ something…not just something you pay for. Like, I know she had this unnatural obsession with those damn boots because she practically sleeps with them under her pillow, but that treasure chest thing you made her…_that _means the world to her." I smile not needing to say anything else, because I think Edward gets it.

See, now Jasper loves me, this I know. But he never does anything like this for me. He expresses his affection physically, which for the most part isn't a bad thing, but sometimes I think I even get a little jealous of what Edward and Bella have-or had-because their relationship isn't based on sex. Edward shows Bella he loves her with emotional gestures from his heart, not with his dick. It is genuine.

Now, I know damn well that Bella would take him back in a second if he said the words…even after the whole window lurking debacle, which I personally think she overreacted to, because if I were her, I would sooo be making use of that little gem of an opportunity to torture the boy with strip shows and whatnot. Maybe even install a stripper pole and a big disco ball for mod lighting.

But then again, I am not in her shoes; though I wouldn't mind getting my hands on those boots. God, what is it with those boots? I make a mental note to tell Bella about the possible seduction tactics in case it hasn't occurred to her that they are available. I mean, she could be torturing the boy this whole time, if she really wants to get even. She's too damn nice.

But I personally, think I need to make Edward sweat a little, just for the sake of girl power and the women's suffrage movement, and maybe to bring some chivalry back to Forks, if there ever was any in the first place.

And hell, maybe it will inspire Jasper to follow on his heels.

So I say matter of factly, "You gotta woo her."

"Woo her?" he questions warily.

"Yes, woooooo her." I emphasize for clarification. "Stuff that shows you would do anything to be with her...and that you're not gonna mess up again."

"Like what, Al? A grand gesture?" he asks. And I am thinking that the poor guy is probably pissed that he doesn't have a pad and pen because he looks like he wants to take notes. He's so cute.

I shrug. "Yes, grand gestures." I have no clue what I am doing right now. Though I do want Bella to come to prom with us, so I am totally going to get him to take her even though I know she hates dances because of the California thing and Edward can't even dance with her or anything, but she can't miss prom…it's like a sin against nature or something. I laugh maniacally in my head, rubbing my hands together at my evil plan.

Bella fucking owes me big time for this. She should buy me some boots to thank me.

"Like?" he asks, tapping his chin expectantly with his index finger in contemplation.

"Prom." I answer simply.

He smiles. "Oh, okay." He thinks again for a sec, and I know he's wondering how the hell he's gonna get this girl to go with him to a dance because Bella hates dances, but then he concedes and asks, "What else?" He and I mull it over in silence awhile and it would probably be better if we were more coherent. I know he needs help with this, but I want him to think of this stuff on his own, so I keep my mouth shut. Well, sort of, 'cause he is after all, just a stupid boy. Then I want him to tell Jasper to do some stuff for me, dammit.

"I think you should dress in a clown suit and stand on the table while singing to her in the cafeteria. She likes when you sing." I say completely serious. I'm kidding of course, but he's hanging on my every word and part of me wants to see how he reacts and if he is willing to go the distance with this, and part of me would kill to see Edward Cullen dressed as Bozo belting out a tune for his girl in the middle of lunch.

"Reeeally?" he asks, blinking his eyes. I can see that he's totally thinking about how to pull this off. "A clown though? I mean…that might embarrass her and clowns are totally creepy. What if she hates it? Well, maybe I could just…." As soon as the idea hits me, it hits him.

"What about the talent show?" he practically yells. "I could play the piano or something! God, that's gonna make me look like such a dweeb but I'll do it if you think it'll mean something to her." He muses, almost to himself.

"It's perfect," I say suddenly, becoming inspired, and a little jealous that he would do this for her and Jasper would never even consider it. "You should make her something. Remind her of all the good times you guys had together before it all went to shit. Hey, remember when you carved your initials in the pumpkins? She loved that."

He nods. "What about a photo album or um… one of those…." He swirls his finger in a circle trying to recall the name of whatever the hell he is trying to say.

"Scrapbook?" I give him the answer, because it is too painful to watch him think so hard. Plus, I am tired and I need me some beauty sleep.

His face lights up. Oh, he's excited now. "Yeah! A scrapbook or something! I have all these pictures of us that are just shoved in a drawer and this whole box of stuff from…." He trails off biting his lip waiting for my approval.

"I have a whole bunch of pictures too. I'll help you with that, if you want, tomorrow after work."

He grins brightly. "You'd do that for me? That would be great. Oh shit, I know! What about the tree house! She told me once that her dad was supposed to paint it pink and he never got around to it. I could do that for her! I could totally paint it and make it pretty for her!" There's a gleam in his eyes that makes him look like a little kid. He's so excited.

"I'll help you with that too," I say enthusiastically, thinking how pretty it would look painted and knowing that Bella would honestly love it. "If you want."

Edward yawns loudly and I am guessing that our ideas for the night are as exhausted as we are. "I'm gonna go home now. Thank you, Al," he says grinning tiredly.

"You're welcome, Edward." I promise him I will keep my lips sealed about our conversation and at the time I mean it.

"Hey…just for the record, my brother is lucky to have you. You're a good friend." He gets up and holds the porch rail for support. I stand up with him, quietly opening the front door.

I wave goodnight watching him walk down the block with a lot less sway in his step. At first I think he means that I am a good friend to Bella, but then I understand that he means I am a good friend to him. I smile, because Edward thinks of me as his friend and I don't know why, but this notion suddenly becomes very important to me.

He and Bella belong together and I am going to help my new friend and future brother in law get the love of his life back.

Because, quite frankly, she and I both know that Alice and Bella Cullen sound pretty damn awesome.

**~%~**


	6. Chapter 6 Dirty Words

**~High Anxiety~**

**Outtake~ Dirty Words**

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**Kisses to Erika for beta'ing.**

**I wrote this scene about a year ago while gardening. The original storyline had Edward's court case happen right before the Cullen's party back in February. So when Bella had gotten to his house thinking she would finally be able to touch him, make love to him, he was with Tanya doing coke. Bella refused to speak to him for months, as her pain and anger was so immense and consuming. At some point, Edward realized that he had to fight to get her back, and he did all of the gestures that he does in the real story, but at that point, Bella still isn't quite ready to forgive him. **

**Edward plays for her at the talent show but Bella is pissed that her friends set her up without warning. Then, after some thought, she reconsiders and tries to find Edward at the after party bonfire, but sees him help Makenna into his car and drive away with her standing there in shock.**

**Terribly disappointed and feeling like his shot was lost with ever reconciling with his one love, Edward leaves with Makenna when she asks him for a ride home. This is the next day:**

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**~Bella~**

I couldn't rid the image from my head. Edward leaving the party with Makenna in his car…fucking Makenna? God, what could they have possibly even talked about? And why her? I mean, he went and did this amazing thing that was obviously a display of affection for me at the talent show and then leaves the party with her? WTF?

I couldn't sit still any longer. I knew that Edward had not gotten home from last night…still.

I knew, because I fucking waited up for him all damn night. I should have just called his cell, but I couldn't bear to have the call ignored while he did whatever he did with Makenna. The thought made me nauseous.

In an attempt to subdue my restlessness and anger, I thought I would go for a drive, maybe down to First Beach where I could clear my head. It was a gorgeous day, the kind that made you feel great to be alive, only….

_Yeah, that's exactly how I feel today. Happy to be alive._

As I started out of the house, I bent down to pick up the keys that slipped from my fingers and noticed the flowerbeds were crowded with an overabundance of weeds. One long leafy one that stood well above the others taunted me until I tugged it from its rooted ground. Before I knew it, I was on my hands and knees, clawing at the weeds, finding an inordinate amount of satisfaction in the task, rendering it therapeutic almost.

And that's when I noticed the kitten, still as can be…a few flies buzzing around its tiny lifeless body.

With a tremendous amount of sorrow, I retrieved a shovel from the garage, gently picked the kitten up and brought him to the edge of the woods, creating a shallow grave for him.

So involved in my makeshift feline burial and subsequent prayer, I hadn't noticed when Edward approached from behind. The sound of his car passing my house hadn't even registered.

"Hey, what are you doing?" he asked. I jumped a little, startled at his words breaking my extreme concentration. My skin tingled and my heart rate accelerated with his very presence. I took a cursory glance at him. He looked exhausted, and he was still in the same fucking jeans and short that he wore the night before—proof that he'd just gotten home at three in the afternoon.

_Fuck. Him._

"I'm writing a letter to Santa Claus," I replied rolling my eyes, as if what I was doing could be more obvious. I turned back to patting the dirt atop the kitten.

_Thank you for coming over._

He sighed as he made himself comfortable in a crouch beside me. "Are you planting something?"

"Yeah, that's what I'm doing, planting fucking flowers," I snapped, my voice laced with the venom of sarcasm. I added, "Idiot," under my breath.

He grabbed my arm, which I snatched out of his grasp. "Bella, stop…I'll send the gardeners over to do this tomorrow. You're ruining your nails."

I snorted, completely annoyed. "You gonna send your butler over to answer my door too? As long as you're at it, point your maid in my direction…my toilets could use a good cleaning."

He pursed his lips, attempting to thwart the smirk that danced on his lips. "I only meant that…."

"I know what you meant, E. But you know…a little hard work is actually good for you. Charlie says it builds character. You should try it sometime. Besides, I am burying a fucking dead kitten right now, not gardening."

_Please don't leave. I am sorry I'm being such a bitch._

"Oh. I didn't know you had gotten a cat."

I huffed, fighting back tears that were springing to my eyes. "I didn't…it was a stray that was living under the porch." I turned and snapped, "Is there something you want?"

"Um…Emmett said you were looking for me last night? Did you want to talk or…?"

"I did…last night. But now, not so much."

"Can you tell me what I did now? Are you mad about the talent show? I'm sorry, but I was desperate and I thought that you would like it…."

"How's Makenna doing?" I asked through clenched teeth, not giving a fuck if she was dying of the goddamn swine flu at the very moment.

"Oh…she's okay. You know about that? Jesus, word gets around quick."

I snorted, glaring at his confused face. My chest was so tight with angst and rage coupled with hurt and sheer desire to inflict injury on him. It actually frightened me. He had no remorse or guilt; he had the nerve to sit there looking all innocent and beautiful after he'd spent the night with that imbecile.

"Did you fuck her, Edward?" I snapped, finally letting the anger free.

"What? Who…Makenna?" He looked at me as though I had a horn growing from my head. "No, hell no…why would you think that?"

"You left with her last night and you are just getting home now at three in the afternoon, wearing the same clothes you had on last night. Obviously you haven't been home. You gonna lie to me about that…you think maybe you can get me to believe your innocence on that too? God, when the fuck are you going to take responsibility for your actions? Always the victim." I pouted my lip out for effect as I mocked him. "Poor, poor Edward."

His lips curled into a sneer, my taunting obviously hitting a nerve. "Bella, you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. I couldn't find you at the bonfire and I just decided to leave. Makenna asked me for a ride home and when we got to her house, the cops were there. Her parents were in the middle of a nasty domestic thing so she asked me to drive her and her little brother to Seattle so she could stay with her grandmother for a few days. I slept in the car for a couple of hours and then drove home."

I snorted. "That's a great story. You drove seven hours for a girl you can't stand? Bullshit. You are a liar, Edward...a fucking filthy liar. Just get away from me, okay?"

I watched in ire as his throat bobbed when he swallowed hard. "Bella, what the hell is wrong with you? Why are you like this? When…when did you become so hateful?" The green of his eyes was paler than I had seen in such a long time. The whites were muddled by the pink in the bloodshot vessels and underneath were lavender shadows in the hollow of his eyes. He was tired.

Edward reached his hand out to touch my arm again, and I flinched back abruptly pulling away from his touch. Some of the mud on my hand splashed across his chest, splattering bits of dark brown all over his pale blue shirt, his jacket and his cheek. He looked sort of stunned as he slowly wiped his face off with the back of his sleeve while glaring at me as if I had just kicked a huge dent in his car.

A tremendous sense of satisfaction washed over me at the thought of defiling his perfection, which I felt he sincerely deserved. I was overcome by emotion that he had the nerve to become upset with a little mud on his already worn and wrinkled clothes. He wouldn't wear them again; they would go in the Good Will bag after they were washed. The idea that that a little dirt would bother him after what he had done to me was infuriating.

"You have seriously fucking lost it, you know that?" he said shaking his head. His mouth curled into a sneer, seeming to mock me with his calm façade. Suddenly, I was fucking irate at his reserved passiveness. Without even thinking, I grabbed another handful of mud and slapped his face with it, completely drenching his clothes and face in wet dirt. His mouth hung open aghast and I grabbed another handful and raised my hand to toss it at him but he reached out and wrapped his fingers around my wrist in mid air before I could move it to my intended target.

"What the fuck?" he spat as I struggled against his hold, every second that he held me still fueled the fury deep within. I was like a volcano, lava brimming to the surface threatening to erupt at a moments notice. All of my anger and hatred and frustration coming to a head. _Volatile._

My chest ached and I swear I went blind with the fury that enveloped me. I lost control, jostling my arm from his grip, which had loosened minutely.

"I hate you. I fucking hate you…I waited for you and I loved you and you fucking destroyed me!"

And the next thing I knew I was hitting him screaming, "I hate you," over and over and over until I was out of breath and my lungs felt like they were on fire. Arms flailing and slapping his face, my fingers curling into claws, scratching and hitting…inflicting physical pain to combat the emotional pain he'd caused me.

I felt my nails dig into his cheek but I didn't even know I was doing it. It was as though I was possessed, my body taken over and being pulled under by this Bella who had been so deeply hurt that she found it impossible to find her way to the surface, toward anything resembling logic or reason.

At some point I hit Edward so hard that he was knocked on his back and I was on top of him, hitting him and punching him with such force that my fingers were burning and aching, likely because my fingernails had all been broken below the nail bed and there was dirt seeping into the open cuts.

He took as much as he was going to take when suddenly with a hollow thud, I was flat on my back with all of my breath escaping my lungs in a whoosh. Edward was on top of me straddling my waist while his fingers wrapped around both of my wrists, pinning them above my head. I fought him hard and relentlessly as he restrained me, pushing against him and cursing at him screaming for him to let me go.

"Bella stop! Just fucking stop this now!" As he hovered over me with his right cheek covered in dirt, four parallel lines of crimson slowly seeped through the dark brown smear. I blinked up at his face, mass amounts of adrenaline still surging through me as I took in the sight of Edward with his eyes blazing full of fury and his cheeks streaked with blood and dirt, realizing it was blood that I inflicted. Tears of everything- rage, hurt, sorrow, remorse, relief…exploded out of me, along with deep heaving sobs ripping through my chest.

He released my hands, and upon my freedom from his constraints, I curled my body into a ball and cried uncontrollably for what I had done, how I had reacted and the realization that I had indeed lost control in a fit of rage. Edward sat back on his knees with his hands covering his face. My vision was blurred with tears and the sting of my running mascara, but I could see him pull his palms away and stare at them in disbelief when he saw the traces blood. He wiped his shirt sleeve along his cheek again, cleaning off come of the dirt and blood and I trembled still in fetal position, not able to look at him. Still so angry, but now ashamed for the animal I had become.

_I hate you. Just go, please._

_Don't leave me. I love you._

Edward stood, staring at my pathetic, shaking form for a few seconds before he spoke quietly. "I'm finished. I have done everything I can to show you that I love you, that I am sorry for what I did, and that I didn't even do what you think I did…and now…Bella, I …I am fucking done… I have to let you go." His voice cracked as the words came from his mouth, but they were resigned, tired, void of any emotion.

_I have to let you go._

I stopped sobbing to look at him a minute, sitting up to gain my bearings. "You're letting me go?"

"I'm letting you go," he repeated softly in confirmation. "Clearly, you need to move on and as much as I need you, I can't take this torture. Bella…I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for not being what you thought I was, I am sorry for disappointing you, but mostly…I'm sorry that I fucked up your life and.…" Edward shook his head and without finishing his statement he turned and walked down the walkway to the street, with my mouth agape.

And he was done.

I brought myself to my knees, then to a standing position, numb and not even completely aware of what I was doing.

"Edward?" I called after him, but he did not respond, nor did he turn around to look at me.

"Edward! Please wait…I'm sorry."

He turned around, pausing in the middle of the street. "Yeah, so am I." It was his voice now, that was laced with venom. And it was then that I knew I was the one that had to ask for his forgiveness.

**~%~**

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**Yeah, so I kind of hated her in this scene. And I am happier with the outcome and storyline that that was posted. **

**Just so you know, I am having some trouble with chapter 38, which is why it is so late. I don't want to post something that I am not happy with in order to just have just **_**something **_**up in a timely manner. So I ask for your patience.**

**Thank you.**

**xoxoxox**

**EBT.**


	7. Chapter 8 High Anxombity

**Its the HA Epi part 3...sort of but not really, but could be.**

**So basically some one left a very sweet review after the completion of HA requesting that I continue the story. **

**I said, "Ummmm, how do I do that? Everyone is dead." So my dear, sweet, disgusting friend Lovelybrutal decided to bring E and B back from the dead. As Zombies. And It's not pretty. However, Lovelybrutal _is_ and I love her to death. Pun intended. **

**Enjoy.**

**xoxo EBT**

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A/N:

Say it.

Out loud.

Zombies!

OK, did you ever make a joke about something, and then somehow it got into your brain and stayed inside, gnawing around in there until you screamed? This story is that burrowing little brainworm.

It is gross.

It is SUPPOSED to be gross.

It may very well make you nauseous, so the queasy readers amongst you should turn away.

i'm just messing around and trying to make EdwardsBloodType laugh (she gave me full permission to play with her B & E, just so you know - i do this from a place of love, not mocking). Maybe i'll make you laugh too, but please - if you have no sense of humor today, or if you find zombies, or intercourse, or the combination of zombies and intercourse offensive, please go read something else instead of complaining later that i made you puke all over your laptop.

Seriously. If in doubt, do not proceed.

Oh, and S. Meyer owns Twilight and its characters, High Anxiety owns my heart, and EdwardsBloodType owns High Anxiety.

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**.o0O0o.o0O0o.o0O0o.**

It started out with just a twitch of my fingers. A twitch that became a curl, that then became a fist, crinkling a piece of paper in its grip.

The paper felt awkward and unfamiliar in my grasp, but what felt even stranger was the breeze over my knuckles, fluttering the white page.

Eyes blinked. After so long, it felt forced and tiresome. My eyes were gritty and my vision hazy.

_What the hell am I doing alive?_ I wondered. _And where's my B? _

The paper in my hands held the answer. After two full minutes of trying to focus, I rubbed my eyes and suddenly my vision was clear. My milky corneas had sloughed off, and sat on my knuckles like blobs of snot.

It was a letter.

**Dear Mr. & Mrs. Cullen (deceased): It has recently come to our attention that a clerical error resulted in your Earthly lives ending one day shorter than planned. As a result, we have reanimated your bodies for a period of 24 hours. Nothing that occurs during this time will count towards your status in the afterlife. We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience of having to inhabit your own stinking, rotted corpses. **

**Best Regards, The Afterlife Administrative Staff Team. **

Well, fuck me, I thought. Another day on earth. Of course after being in heaven, my body and mind restored to their most perfect state, coming back to this body felt something like getting out of a hot tub on a cold night. My limbs felt heavy and unwilling to respond, the soft May breeze icy on what was left of my skin. But it also had a nostalgic sweetness, like visiting the neighborhood where you grew up. I decided I could stand it for 24 hours. As long as I had my girl with me.

And there she was, lying in the soft upturned earth beside me, looking only slightly worse for wear than the day I said goodbye to her. Which was actually not that great, considering she'd been a ripe old 87 when I'd lost her. But she was still mine, and love looks past things like imperfect hair and teeth. Fortunate, really, since both of those things were plastic on her and non-existent on me.

Some pair we make.

Just like always.

Til death do us part. And then reunited in heaven. Only to be brought back as zombies.

She began to stir beside me, sitting up and blinking with a look of annoyed disbelief on her face.

"The fuck is all this shit, then?"

Always the lady.

I held the paper up, waving it in the air. "Clerical error grants us one more day on earth. Only we have to use what's left of these old crapbags," I gestured to myself.

"Shit. Well, what do you want to do?" she asked, trying stiffly to get to her knees and stand.

"Fuck, baby, you know what I always want to do." I respond with what was intended as a provocative wag of my eyebrow. Instead, the eyebrow gave a soft crackle and the hairs blew away like dandelion seeds in the wind.

She sighed at me. "In this body? You'd wreck me. That is," she smirked, "if you can still get it up."

"Oh, I can get it up, sugar," I chuckled at her, "and if I can't, I'll tape a stick to it to get it in."

"Wow, taping a stick to your penis so you can bang me with it? Chivalry isn't dead after all!" she laughed.

I reached out my bony hand for hers. "No, baby, it's _un_dead."

She groaned as we both rose to our feet, taking a few moments to get used to our new, old bodies. Suddenly, I understood why all the zombies in horror flicks stumbled and staggered around like they were drunk. Dead bodies handled like old Nissan Sentras. They were stiff where they should be flexible, squishy where they should be firm. And it was hard to anticipate what parts were going to fall off or tear open under too much pressure. After attempting to stretch and walk for a few minutes, we decided we didn't care. It was only 24 hours; after that, the bodies would be useless and empty again, and we could get back to enjoying our heavenly reward. Why not go out Demolition-Derby style? We would use these bodies for all that we could get out of them, and just hope that we didn't give any onlookers a heart attack.

"Maybe we should try and stay out of sight, at least until nightfall." Bella suggested.

I knew where to go. The perfect spot to keep away from prying eyes.

"The treehouse?" I asked.

Her eyes went wide and she nodded, causing a pretty brown eye to tumble to the ground. I gingerly picked it up and slipped it back into place. "Let's go."

Our ungainly, lumbering walk back to the old neighborhood wasn't as conspicuous as we'd feared. People appeared to assume we were drunk and elderly, a fantastic combination for being ignored by the world at large.

When we arrived at the treehouse, we were disheartened to find it hadn't fared much better than our bodies. Panels were missing, floorboards were weak and rotted, and there was debris from some of its more recent visitors.

"Check it out, stoner artifacts!" she giggled, examining the faded junk food bags and candy wrappers. I was more interested in the newish-looking Playboy, noting thankfully that plumper, curvier figures had returned to popularity, when a thin white joint fell out of the centerfold.

Bella snatched it up as fast as her pruney grey fingers could move, and held it up to her nose to inhale the sweet herbal scent deeply.

"Oh, man," she moaned. "That smells like seventeen."

I pawed around the floor for a lighter, finding a tiny electric one tucked in between two subscription cards.

I held the flame up to the joint as Bella inhaled.

It's normal to cough when you smoke weed, especially if you haven't smoked in a while.

It's not normal to actually hack up a lung.

We just stared at the slimy, beige organ on the floor for a second before I stretched out my foot and pushed it right out the treehouse door. I heard it land with an objectionable splat sound.

"Whoops!"

Bella giggled and passed me the joint. Learning from her mistake, I inhaled in short, staccato puffs, watching with mild concern as the smoke wafted back upward from my shirt collar. A quick check inside my shirt revealed a few holes, some as big as a baseball, in my chest.

"Looks like I might be able to give you my heart in a jar after all, B," I said, opening my shirt to show her the slick, greenish knot of muscle that had once pumped my blood.

Predictably, she squealed and scootched her body away from me as I approached. Naturally, this only made me want to chase her even more.

As quick as I could, I crossed the treehouse and wrapped my arms around her waist, tickling her skin that felt like wet newspaper. She laughed quietly, probably because she had only one lung, and pushed against my shoulders, redistributing our weight and sliding herself to the floor underneath me.

"You know, getting high still makes me horny," I leered at my wife, giving her a crusty wink.

"I can feel that," she whispered seductively, her hand moving down my body.

"Oh wait," she said, "that's your femur."

I led her hand higher, showing her that some things about men never, ever change.

"Mmm," she hummed, stroking me gently. "I'm so wet for you … although I think most of it might be bile."

"I don't mind, Beautiful, it's _your _bile," I answered, bringing my lips to hers.

Christ. Some chapstick would have been nice. Kissing her lips now that she'd been dead and buried for years was a little like kissing a raw steak someone had sneezed on. And the smell of her breath reminded me of things I used to find floating in the pond when I was a kid.

But I knew I didn't have the soft, supple lips of a teenager anymore either. Kissing me was probably like kissing a crusty dinner roll that fell in the dog's water dish, but she didn't complain.

This was the blessing of marriage. Having someone to be gross with, who still loved you anyway.

When her tongue darted out to meet mine, slimy as a canned peach and smelling like a sardine, I returned her passion, and soon, the condition of our bodies was no longer a concern as the need pulsed through us. I ripped off her pale blue funeral dress, being extra careful not to tear the fragile skin underneath. Her hands went to my suit pants and began loosening my belt, moving quickly, desperate to free my shriveled and discolored, but thankfully still responsive cock.

I swear the sex voodoo that my B's kisses worked over me would have gotten me hard even if I'd been cremated.

A thought suddenly occurred, bringing a wave of panic crashed over me. What about birth control? We were undead, sure … but I wanted to be positive.

I pulled away harshly.

"Bella? Should we use something?"

She snorted a laugh.

"Are you kidding, baby? The undead can't conceive. Even if, say, I was a typical healthy 18 year old, the idea that your long-dead-undead body could produce a single viable sperm is pretty goddamn ridiculous!"

She cracked up, pink and green fluids shooting out of her nose and splattering against my bare skin.

I couldn't help but laugh along. "You're right! Who would think that the sexual activities of the undead could ever result in a pregnancy?"

After our giggling fit passed, we sat staring at each other with fiery mischief.

Another brief surge of panic crawled up my chest.

No, wait, that was a worm.

But I was still nervous.

We had just crawled up from the dirt. We were decomposing by the nanosecond. I had no idea the last time Bella or I had washed our hands. My eyes scanned the treehouse, hoping for some hand sanitizer, antibacterial lotion - Hell, even sulfate-free dish soap would be better than nothing.

No. Filthy. We were filthy. Even a bathtub full of bleach wouldn't fix that.

Bella picked up on my spike in anxiety right away. Wrapping a ragged arm around my shoulder, she murmured softly in my ear as I tried to calm down.

"Ssh, baby, it's okay. Don't freak out on me now. Just 24 hours and we're back home, okay?"

That's right. We'd be back home soon, where my anxiety was gone, our bodies were permanently perfect, and everything was immaculate. If I could suspend my irrational phobia for just a little while longer, I'd find relief with Bella when we got back where we belong.

That was it. Now I had my mind made up. I gritted my teeth in determination, but they crackled and broke like they were tiny little Fritos. Who cared what nasty fluids and germs were splashing around inside of these rotten, putrefying bodies? Even if we were hosting the hantavirus between our thighs, we'd be back in our eternal reward before anything had time to sink in.

Taking Bella by surprise, I pushed her shoulders back roughly against the wall of the treehouse, kissing her pond-scum-flavored mouth hard. A loud pop signaled that I had dislocated one in my haste.

"Sorry," I breathed against her lips.

"S'okay," she whispered back. At this proximity, the smell of her breath was revolting in its similarity to the biggest, fullest trash can at Sea World.

I didn't care. Men in love never do.

I pressed my impassioned kisses along her jawline and down her neck as my hand reached down to feel her sex, finding it dank and musty but hey, pussy is pussy, right?

Looking down to line myself up to her rotten opening, my dick looked like something you might find in a specimen jar at the Mutter museum. Wrinkled, discolored and soggy, it was still hard, and I intended to give Bella every creepy, oozing inch of it. Pushing forward into her slowly, I felt an intoxicating tightness. She was even tighter than when she'd been a virginal teenager. Who would have guessed that being dead and buried for years could do such wonderful things for vaginal elasticity?

Just then, Bella let a low moan fall from her lips. Oh ho ho! She wanted some zombie role-playing, eh?

"Unnnnhh," I moaned back brainlessly, pressing deeper into her undead pleasure pocket.

"No, baby, stop," she sat up halfway, pushing me back.

For a second, I looked down at my wretched cock, all streaked with a rainbow of body fluids and smelling like a bait shop with a broken fridge. That's funny, I had thought I'd been circumcised in this body, but now a little extra skin folded over the tip like an elephant's trunk. It looked cute, so I tugged at it … and all the skin on my penis sloughed right off into my hand. I was now holding a tube of human sausage casing.

This was not pretty. I wanted to go home, where my dick was in one piece and smelled like soap, not like the floor in a truckstop men's room.

I turned my attention back to Bella.

She reached down between us, her entire hand disappearing into her slick opening for an instant, then withdrawing with a large fistful of discolored cotton batting. She shrugged as she held it out for me to see.

"Undertaker. They stuff you with it so you don't leak in front of your mourners."

I think the only reason I didn't vomit on the spot was that my stomach was completely empty.

"Oh good," she said, grabbing the sheath of soggy, stretchy skin from my hands, "you found a trash bag for me." She proceeded to stuff her vaginal plug into my dick skin like it was a Thanksgiving turkey.

Just 24 hours, I thought. It's just the blink of an eye, really. Keep the queasy at bay for a few more hours and we'll be back home where everything is … well, it's not like this.

Finished disposing of her death tampon, Bella bit her lip and looked at me suggestively through the fringe of her lashes. She must have been pretty turned on, as a thump on the treehouse floor indicated she'd bitten a sizeable chunk of her lip clean off.

"I'm ready now," she smiled.

I wanted to shower in rubbing alcohol.

But pussy is indeed pussy, and this particular pussy happened to be attached to the most lovable, sweet, and funny woman ever to walk the earth. Hell yeah, I was gonna hit that.

Suddenly, her mouth was on mine, and when she hummed in pleasure against my lips, I didn't care anymore that she was missing half of hers. She threaded her fingers into the brittle patches of my remaining hair, as gently as possible, but as I brought my skinned and highly sensitive erection back to her rancid opening, her fingers increased their fervor, ripping my scalp off in finger-width strips.

I lifted her up so she was hovering just above my lap, legs wide, positioned just over my waiting cock, and then lowered her slowly, filling her … um, partially.

Damn, she really wasn't as tight without that diseased-looking cotton batting. I wondered if it was worth it to try and fish it out of my little dick bag and stuff it back in there.

Nah. This wasn't about pleasure, exactly, anyway. It was about us using up the very last of these disgusting old bodies and having fun until it was time to go home.

Don't tell that to Bella, though. You'd think it was her first time in 100 years, the way she squealed and thrashed around on my dick.

"Yes, yes, baby, fuck, oh God, so good …" she cried as she rode me, bouncing vigorously, her flat, ancient tits flapping like wet flags. I was only barely aware of the softest fluttering sensation as she enjoyed her first orgasm, head thrown back, eyes closed, moaning like it was the best sex she'd ever had.

Watching her get off so explosively gave me renewed enthusiasm. I withdrew myself and flipped her onto her knees, pushing into her quick and hard as I held onto her the saggy, wrinkled skin at her waist.

"You like it like this, baby?" I growled at her, pounding mercilessly. "Feels deeper this way, doesn't it?"

"So fucking deep," she whispered, her voice breathy and quiet. She was so lost in pleasure, and at the sight of her I began to feel my climax approaching.

Shit. In order to get her off in this position, I needed to provide friction to her clit. But I was afraid that if I did it with my bony fingers, I might tear that slimy little nub right off. I searched around the treehouse for something soft.

Fuck.

It was either the magazine or the dickbag full of soiled cooter cotton.

But the idea of slapping her clit with a rolled-up magazine reminded me too much of punishing a disobedient dog, so it would have to be the penis puppet.

Don't think about it, man, just do it.

I grabbed it quickly and pressed it to her juicy clit, sliding it back and forth quickly, still pounding into her with deep, forceful strokes. It vaguely reminded me of a warped and disturbing version of the Create-a-Mate we'd played with so many years ago. Was this the first time a dead man had used his dead wife's amateur taxidermy to get her off?

Probably. And God help us if it wasn't the last.

"Come hard for me, baby, come all over that fucking dick," I begged, suppressing the shudder that wanted to run down my spine as fluids unknown began to drip down my fingers and off my wrist.

Thank fuck that dirty talk still made my girl whimper like a puppy in a butcher shop. She came again, harder this time, her leathery vag clamping down on me like a mammogram machine on Red Bull, dragging me into an orgasm that was shocking in its intensity.

I guess when your body hasn't moved a single muscle in years, it stores all that potential energy in your balls, waiting for the incredibly unlikely event of a post-mortem fuckfest to pour it into a release so good that it makes you want to build a shrine to your own genitalia.

"Holy shit, baby," was all I could manage as I toppled on my side, exhausted and fulfilled.

Bella stayed put on her hands and knees. "I know, right? I don't think I can move," she giggled.

The hell was that dripping sound?

I searched the treehouse floor for the puddle of liquid that would lead me to its source. And there it was, a little pool of mingled clear & white directly under Bella's navel.

Oh shit. My cum was leaking out of her bellybutton.

Suddenly, something else fell out of her navel and plopped into the jizz puddle before my horrified eyes: something that looked like a stepped-on grape with a translucent ramen noodle attached.

Bella saw it fall too, and immediately started laughing.  
"The fuck is this?" she asked, scooping the item up from the ejaculate, "Is this your prostate? Did you seriously just spunk out your own prostate?"

That might explain why my orgasm was so vigorous.

By then, Bella was laughing so hard she could no longer support herself on one hand, and collapsed sideways, her hip falling into my spilled semen. I couldn't help but think that was now the cleanest part of her, having been splashed with _some _liquid, at least.

She righted herself and flicked the sticky gland at me like it was a giant, revolting booger. It slapped my face, and I could feel it leaving a snail trail as it slid downwards until I could peel it off in disgust and fling it back at her, snorting as it embedded itself in her hair.

"Aaagh! Not in my hair, you jackass!" She squealed. Her clumsy attempts to paw the squishy lump from her hair were only getting it stuck deeper. I laughed until my epiglottis erupted from my left nostril and landed in the spooge puddle, floating peaceful as a lotus.

Damn, I was high.

While I pondered that thought, Bella had fished about half of my gummy prostate out of her hair and began wiping it off on my thigh.

"Hey!" I protested, grabbing her wrists as she giggled. "That's just nasty, Bella."

"What did you expect?" she asked, lifting an eyebrow. "You knew I was a nasty girl when you married me."

True.

And now I was hard.

Again.

I growled low as I rolled her onto her back, keeping her wrists locked in my hand as I pinned her beneath me.

"Show me."

She purred in excitement. Of course she was ready for more after Round One had been so good to her. My dick was pretty fucking awesome. Even looking like something from Jame Gumb's basement, it still got the job done and then some.

Bella began wiggling beneath me and put on a provocative smile.

"You want to go backdoor this time, E?"

Oh hell no I didn't.

But it was difficult for me to deny her this. And even if her rectum was a swirling cesspool of filth and disease, it wasn't like it had been that much cleaner when we were both alive. It really wasn't worth it to say no and upset her.

I hummed my assent, throwing both her legs over my right shoulder.

"Wait one sec." She reached into her butt to withdraw another wad of soiled cotton.

I closed my eyes and imagined she was young and fresh as she'd been on our honeymoon in Mykonos, lying under me on a chaise on the beach, her long wrap skirt useless, parted, hanging off the sides of her waist as I rolled my hips into hers with a delicious slowness.

When I heard her discard the foul plug with a sickening squish, it was Honeymoon Bella whose ass I nudged my cock into. Not this human shaped petri dish, rife with parasites, smelling like a hoarder's garbage disposal.

I briefly considered lubricant, but I was pretty sure the embalming fluids and various unidentified mucousy discharges had that need covered.

God, please let us be the first and last couple to use insulin and formaldehyde as lubricants.

I pressed into her, and while I had to admit she was definitely tighter this way, my intrusion resulted in long-trapped organic gases being expelled from her body. So when I plunged forward, a long, obnoxious fart sound rang out and echoed inside the treehouse. As I withdrew, the noise changed to a wheezing whistle, and when I pushed inside again, the fart reprised. I could only guess that my giant, magnificent dick had caused some internal rupture, judging from the spooge leak Bella had earlier, which was allowing air into her body.

Still, she seemed to be enjoying herself. Her moans of pleasure took on a different quality, lower, slower, smouldering. And I couldn't deny that it was a turn on to feel her body encircling mine snugly and hear the sounds of forbidden pleasure issuing from her mouth. Was being crusted in he ichor and dripping with virulent filth really so bad, if it meant I got to watch my true love, the girl who owned my heart for almost my entire life, lose herself to the pleasure my body could offer?

Her oozing, puckered hole offered a revolting, protracted _phhhhbbbbtttttt _in response.

Fuck, way to kill the mood, Bella's decrepit sphincter.

"Mmmm, deeper baby, get it deeper," she grunted, apparently oblivious to her anal serenade, bracing one arm against the treehouse wall to provide more resistance, pushing back against my thrusts.

Deeper? I don't think I could get any deeper without ripping off my dick and fisting her ass with it. Which, although it was apparently possible in these fragile, basted-together bodies, really didn't sound like something I wanted to do, thank you very much.

Still, perhaps I could drive deeper if I did this doggy style, and parted her cheeks a little with my hands.

Rolling her over onto her hands and knees and bringing my palms to her sagging, deflated cheeks, I gently pulled them apart, hoping for slightly better penetration with less ass-cushion in the way.

What I actually got was a gaping gash along the line of her asscrack that spread like a fault line halfway up her back. Her now-visible spine looked like a zipper made out of dominoes.

Uh oh.

Well, this would get me deeper, at least. Bella didn't seem to notice she'd been split like an English muffin yet. Without looking, I reached down until I felt the wet, slimy tube of her small intestine encasing my hardness, and threaded more of it onto myself, slowly, like a woman pulling pantyhose onto her leg.

"Oh! OH GOD! YES!" Bella screamed so loud I was afraid someone would call the cops. She bucked against me wildly.

"Oh baby, oh God, it's never been like this, never been like this …"

You've damned well got that right, B. We're fucking zombies.

"Fuck my ass, fuck my ass, fucking make me come with that big fat dick in me, baby," she chanted, her voice low and animalistic.

Jesus, when she talked like that, I was her slave. Maybe I was starting to like it messy after all.

When I looked down, I saw what looked like about a mile of Bella's poop-chute threaded onto my dick, with her pale, bloated stomach only a few more inches away.

"That deep enough, baby?" I leaned over her split back and cooed in her ear.

She just grunted in return, her eyes shut tight, her hips slamming back into mine like a piston.

I felt a vibration near my balls, and noticed that Bella had begun strumming her swollen clit with her fingers, moving faster and faster until the flesh of her fingertips had worn right off, leaving the eggshell white of her finger bones exposed, while a viscous black liquid dripped from her sex.

"I'm co- ", she broke off into a vibratto moan while her orgasm seized her, and I was lucky enough to benefit from the intensity of the tremors that made her guts clench and twitch and her whole body shake violently, as the rhythmic contractions of her intestine pushed me into my own climax.

I could almost never hang on long when she came. Nothing was sexier than watching my girl lost to her bliss. Although it had been a little better when she still had a full set of internal organs. And all that glossy, thick hair. And an intact spine.

I guess nothing gets to stay beautiful forever.

My legs gave out, tumbling me over sideways, eyes closed.

I slept.

Hey, I'm still a guy, just … more dead. And neurotic. With a dick like a thoroughbred.

When I woke up, the clinging greasiness encircling me told me I was still inside Bella.

So naturally, I was surprised to see her sitting across the treehouse, casually reading the Playboy by moonlight.

Her many feet of intestines, still connecting us, lay slack and wrinkled all over the floor, looking very similar to a spent gray bungee cord. The business end was attached to my dick like a python eating a wet Twinkie.

"Well good morning there, sleepyhead," she chimed. "Was starting to wonder if you were going to wake up."

I tried to stretch, but found my limbs were sluggish and heavy. I wondered what time it was. Surely we had to be nearing the end of our sentence here on earth. Or maybe God would pull our cards before we thought of anything more unnatural and revolting to do than we already had.

My wife's corpse reached into her gut, tearing her intestine where it joined to her stomach,and held it up to her mouth like a walkie talkie.

"HELLOOO," Bella's voice echoed at me,"EARTH TO EDWARD, COME IN, DOUCHEBAG!"

I laughed silently at her, detaching her rectum from my dick with a slick sucking sound, and putting it up to my mouth to speak.

Oh good, it smelled like the dumpster behind the hospital. All dirty diapers, soiled linens and diseased tissue.

When my voice came out, it was little more than a whisper.

"Shut up, Bella."

I knew our clock was definitely running down. Since I was the first to wake up into this bizarre earthly parole, I guessed it made sense that I would be the first to leave it. Hopefully only by a few minutes.

Sensing my weakness, Bella scootched across the treehouse floor until she was next to me, her exposed and rotten innards a slippery but comfortable cushion. She crossed her legs and rested my head in her lap, stroking the sticky, mangled remains of scalp and hair that clung to my skull.

"So this is it for our little adventure? Was it as fun for you as it was for me?" she asked.

I nodded with a pinched half-smile. I tried to speak, but air failed to come out, my lips only tracing the words.

Disgusting, but fun.

Of course she understood me. We had long since transcended the need to communicate with words.

"Disgusting, eh?" she chuckled. "Try having someone shove a dick that looks like roadkill up your ass sometime."

I'll pass, gorgeous, I mouthed.

"Maybe next life," she laughed.

She stroked my hair and the untouchable bliss of being wrapped up in love made me a little dizzy. I closed my eyes for a long blink, realizing gratefully that we'd be back to our heavenly reward soon.

She hummed sweetly and kissed my forehead.

"Hey, how about you die in _my _arms this time, E? Since you did it for me the first time around?"

I nodded, and if there had been any fluid left in my tear ducts, it might have wept out in a big, rolling drop down my cheek.

She drew her arms around my shoulders and pressed herself gently against my body, which was quickly going limp.

"Love you, Edward."

_Love you more, Beautiful,_ I thought. _Always._

My very last thought in that disgusting, macabre body that smelled like a litterbox full of sour milk was: _Shit, those fucking stoners are going to piss their pants next time they come up here to get high._

.o0O0o.o0O0o.o0O0o.

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A/N:

Some ways to ease nausea:

Sniff a fresh-cut lemon.

Have a piece of ginger candy or peppermint gum.

Sip coke syrup over crushed ice.

Saying, "i wasn't warned!", however, is not an effective remedy.

Don't hate, i'm just being silly. And i frequently cross the line from funny into stupid and then wander around in ridiculous until someone picks me up in their van. Thanks to Jadalulu for the amazing, unfailing kindness & support, and EdwardsBloodType for the inspiration, the permission, and being so fucking funny & awesome that she makes me want to build a shrine to her. Also, many thanks to E's My Brand of Heroin & Skimbo2006 for the WC help!

i would say i am not always this silly, but i kind of am. i just contain it occasionally.

If you'd like something to cleanse your palate after this, i'd like to suggest YellowGlue's "Slippin, Trippin, Stumbletumblin", because she writes the way night-blooming jasmine smells. Or re-read EdwardsBloodType's "High Anxiety," because it is awesome and i love it so very hard.

Thanks for reading!


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